___________________________________
Boris and Yuri Very Much
Invite You To...
Tour Beautiful
Verblinzk!
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Dasvidanya and welcome to our tour site, we are Yuri and Boris Orlovsky from Verblinzk, one of the most beautiful cities in all of the Soviet Republic. Please join us for a week of extensive enjoyment where you will see many enriching things like quaint thatched roofs, soaring church spires, historic industrial complexes, and many important concrete buildings.
Located on the northeast bend of the Smolnsk River in central Soviet Republic, Verblinzk is often referred to as “the jewel of the smelting belt.” It is home to some of the largest mines in the area, including chromium, sulphur, potassium, uranium and polonium. It also has the largest atomic munitions factory in all of Russian supplying 2,000 kilotons of active fission each year.
Verblinzk also boasts many striking cultural features such as delicious foods, a historical museum, herds of cattle, and many notable gravestones. Do not delay in your travels. Book a tour with us and we are fairly sure you will not be disappointed. As Chekhov said during his historic 1904 visit, “Verblinzk, this is definitely a place.”
Points of Interest
Verblinzk Town Square
Your tour will begin in historic town square, often referred to as “over there” by the local townsfolk. Here you will see many quaint buildings and villagers selling their wares. Tourists enjoy shopping for traditional Russian goods like woolen shawls and government-issue hygiene products. Some visitors like to stop by the Melnikov Filtration Shop to buy a face mask for hazier days. (Verblinzk ranks 7 on the Fission Meter for atomic cleanliness, although some may find a breathing device necessary during warmer months.)
As you roam through the square you will notice many Russian-style “tea shops” where you can order a traditional lunch of chilled vodka. (It is customary to ask for “tea” served straight in a charka, i.e. shot glass. Do not ask for olive, this is considered an insult to the Motherland and may provoke “unrest.”)
Here is a picture of historic town hall taken by Boris outside the popular Kravchenko Tea Parlor after a traditional extended lunch.
The Van Orlovsky
During your visit you will ride in comfort in our tour bus. This vehicle includes six bench seats and multiple wheel drives. It was constructed exclusively by cousin Demetri from small craft engine and Yugoslavian interrogation van. (Note: as of June 1st we will replace security rope with large community seat belt for utmost safety.)
Note: Van includes fan for comfortable ride as well as dual snow shoes for traversing salt gulches and our many polonium hummocks.
River Svlenk With View of Munitions Plant
Largest in all of Russian, the *Krankov Atomic Munitions Plant is located on the River Svlenk just 1.5 kilometer from village square. Home to the 50 Megaton Tactical Warhead, “Little Nikita,” this bomb was designed to strip animal and plant life in up to three continents. Tours are offered daily which include cafeteria lunch and keepsake vial of de-activated liquid uranium.
(*Remediated in 2005, this plant no longer causes brain loss, bone infection, or “glowing lung” disease, therefore pre-entry government waivers are no longer necessary.)
Ukrainian tourists enjoying springtime overlooking beautiful Svlenk River.
Church of the Zealots of Purity (circa 1652)
(Formerly Patriot Collective 1142-D)
This historic church was founded by St. Stanislaus Chernkov, a Russian Orthodox monk famous for introducing the number 6 to Verblinzk. After an unsuccessful attempt to introduce the number 7, Chernkov was martyred by a band of Muscovites with a plague-infested horse blanket.
Replicas of the horse blanket can be purchased in the gift shop located behind the tibia reliquary just right of the bust of Stalin.
This spire is the exact location of zealot martyrdom.
Amazingly, the number 6 remains there to this day.
Russian Mail Order Bride Center
Famous world over for its many beautiful and strong brides, the Verblinzk Mail Order Bride Center houses over 30 eligible women waiting for betrothal. Put through rigorous tests, these brides are guaranteed to have 30% muscle capacity and the ability to withstand below zero conditions, perfect for winter harvest or Siberian shtetl life. (All brides come with 1 pair of felt boots and an aluminum tea kettle. Reproductive health and life span not guaranteed.)
Future bride being assessed by Slavic bachelor in pre-marital
“Winterization Test.”
Verblinzk Museum of Art and Industry
This museum holds many priceless treasures including a famous sculpture of Nereus, the Greek Fishing God (pictured below.) This particular tour is run exclusively by fruitcake half-brother, Josef-Alexander. Besides looking at naked sculptures, other homosexual activities include tea cake tasting and a private Strablitz waxing. (Attn: Boris and Yuri are not responsible for bail money or Visa negotiations of any kind.)
Please note, this museum is also home to Ivan the Terrible’s fur hat (which is made of baby muskrat fur and really is not so terrible.)
Luxury Accommodations
While in town you will stay at Hotel White Nights which is conveniently located just 2 kilometers from airport on Federal Highway 13-D. This luxury hotel sits in between Mt.Olof and the Verblinzk Community Internment Yard. Here, many famous graves can be viewed from hotel window, such as the great war hero Vladimir Stockovich as well as the lesser know Gregori The Idiot. For your convenience, headstones are arranged in special sections. (See: “Frostbite” “Plague” “Government Unrest” “Suicide” and “Chemical Unwellness.”) Downstream from the atomic munitions plant, this hotel also boasts a spectacular view of Collective Dairy 352 and its field of eyeless cows.) Rates are negotiable.
Note: November- March is the busy internment season, so availability may be limited.
Northern view of Hotel White Nights near “Food Borne Illness” section.
Local Cuisine
In Russia we are very proud of our cuisine and many restaurants feature local specialties like “Smirnopolitz” (i.e.: Cow Jaw Soup with Boiled Cabbage and Cod Paste) or “Kravji Bal” (Simmered Cow Testicle in Broth with Sea Eel). While Verblinzk restaurants are considered best in region, it is not unusual to see townsfolk dining from the many kiosks in town square. Our very own Babushka (ie.Grandmother in ill-fitting scarf) has a very fine stand next to Melnikov Filtration Shop. It would be her honor to supply you with a complimentary wheat cake, simply give the secret password - “Khmel Pastik” (i.e. “Give me wheat cake or Yuri will make you sleep in cow shed”.)
Local “Smirnopolitz” steamed in a broth of pure wheat paste. Delicious!
Excursion to Sveltbad Salt Flats
In the luxury of the Van Orlovsky you will travel in relative comfort to fascinating salt flats in nearby village of Sveltbad. Here you will learn the history of salt trade, see real life salt miners, as well as view the largest salt granule in all of Northern hemisphere. We will also visit historic Stalinist salt camp “Gulag 56939” where political prisoners were banished to a life of placing salt in shakers for Central Committee state dinners.
Stalinist salt miner banished in 1946 for mentioning Walt Whitman on Lenin’s birthday. As seen from rear window of Van Orlovsky.
Special Bonus Offer!!!!! Afternoon With Uncle Bratislav!!
For just 15 Rubles let Uncle Bratislav tell you tales of the Chechen invasion. This includes dramatic re-enactments of guerrilla carpet bombings and general ransackery. He will also give full Soviet-style back massage with *spinal realignment in exchange for 5th of Svolensk vodka.
*May or may not include a military-issued temporomandibular adjustment.
Uncle Bratislav telling romantic tale of exploding patella in Battle of Grozny.
“Za vashe zdorovye!”
Nightlife
After long day of cultural explorations, Boris and I will personally escort you on a fun-filled night on town. First stop will be to Tea Room Stropovich for “potato tea,” then we will boogie hard and firm at Club 362-A6. Weekends feature our cousin, DJ Sergei, who winds all of the greatest hits on his cassette track playing machine. (Entry fee 5 rubles. Ladies with shoes enter free.)
DJ Sergei playing hot tracks including the Foreigner and Fleetwood Macs.
Evening Relaxations
Unwind from your tour with relaxing soak in Verblinzk chromium spring. Let the cool breezes and healing powers of heavy metal infuse your very being.
(Eyewear and face mask are provided, but not enforced.)
Chromium is known to relieve hyperextension as well as
improve mood and general outlook.
Special Notice To Tourists!!!!!
During month of October Boris and I will be attending annual Iron Orr Festival in Belarus (as well as big deal Rush concert and all-girl soccer tournament). Please note that tours during this time will be run by Vladimir and Ivan Kornokopovich. They are experts on local traditions as well as polonium poisoning and degenerative bone loss. They have promised to learn the operation system of Van Orlovsky well before your arrival. If not, we guarantee free lodging at hotel of your choice (i.e. Hotel White Nights or cozy room off kitchen at Babushka’s)
Don’t wait…book your tour today!!!
Vlad and Ivan love Verblinzk!
* Photo of Boris and Yuri courtesy of "Mr. Evil" (Ivan Ishkov) a St. Petersburg net-artist. In Februrary of 2007, Mr. Evil's work was confiscated by Russian police and he was told not to leave the country or he "would be very sorry."
True story!
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Eleven Unusual Sexual Positions and The Babies They Make
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