And The Babies They Make
by Diana Grove
It's Spring and all of Nature is a quiver with the unfortunate carnage of reproduction. That's right, I'm talking hard-core babymaking at its gooiest. Birds are doing unspeakable things to bees and humans continue to shower their DNA all over Grandma's credenza. This issue, American Sideshow is proud to offer our guide to some of Nature's nastiest tricks.
Warning: The following list involves flesh-eating toddlers, anal penetration, and hairless Mexicans. Those sensitive to child exploitation and Vince Van Patten should not proceed.
The Super Glue Quickie
Position: Purchase (or steal) a 6-pack of airplane glue, inhale vapors, then flail limbs in a 2-minute, orgiastic spray of semen and lung spittle.
Difficulty Level: 3 (would be a 2 except for the flailing)
Pros: The sweet, sweet fumes of ethyl cyanoacetate.
Cons: Ringing in ears, vomiting, and visions of Rip Taylor dressed as a leprechaun.
Resulting Offspring: A drooling, mildly retarded child that is unable to score dates or do simple math. May require a helmet and dribble cup before enrolling in Bob Jones University.
The Rec Room Reach Around
Position: Locate visqeen-covered couch in parent’s basement, assume spooning position, then mutually masturbate to re-runs of Apple’s Way.
Difficulty Level: 4
Pros: Kristi McNichol with feathered hair
Cons: Vince Van Patten with feathered hair
Resulting Offspring: A resentful, angry child who knows he was never meant to be fertilized in the first place. Makes you regret the unfortunate combination of hand jobs and plastic sheeting.
The Brighton Bumbler
Position: Get shit-faced drunk on English ale, then just start groping.
Difficulty Level: 5, due to projectile vomiting and random slapping.
Pros: A pleasant buzz followed by an overwhelming feeling of being the most attractive person in the room.
Cons: Not remembering how you got dried cum on your eyebrows.
Resulting Offspring: A hard-drinking, Camel-smoking, fist-punching piece of shit. May or may not beat you to death with your own walker. Oh….also enjoys dog fights and killing frogs.
The Nonoxynol-9 Dumpster Fuck
Position: While standing, penetrate your partner on a garbage receptacle behind Three Happiness Chinese Restaurant. Watch out for rotting rice (which may actually be maggots).
Difficulty Level: 9 For God’s sake you’re having sex on a dumpster, how could that ever be easy?
Pros: The comfort of knowing you’re using a condom lubricated with the 98% effective baby-killing toxin, nonoxynol-9.
Cons: The itchy, hot burns of spermicide intermingled with the desiccating fumes of Crab Rangoon.
Resulting Offspring: Due to a co-mingling of vapors, a freakish chemical reaction will result in twin mutant children with gaping eye sockets, vagina nostrils and box turtle teeth. These kids will feast on the brains of their schoolmates and never let you have the TV remote. (Did I mention they’re twins?)
The New England Pile Driver (Formerly known as the “Shit, That Hurts!”)
Position: While mounting your partner from behind, assume an uncomfortable ass-over-head position then penetrate with full force. (The New England reference simply implies the optional use of chowder.)
Difficulty level: 9
Pros: Good way to release pent up aggression.
Cons: Internal hemorrhaging, impacted spleen, and possible lacerations due to “overly enthusiastic drivery.”
Resulting Offspring: An unreasonably hostile baby who loses it’s temper over minor issues like formula temperature and the plot line to Blues Clues. A rampant nipple biter, also throws beer at Patriots games.
The Wrong Hole
Position: Ok, I think we all know how to get to the wrong hole.
Difficulty Level: 8 (or 9, depending on flexibility of O-ring)
Pros: Allegedly non-reproductive
Cons: Dark, dirty, and smells faintly of cattle.
Resulting Offspring: A dim, haphazard child who gets lost easily and often wanders through heavy traffic. Despite having three square meals a day, has a strange fondness for eating dead flies.
The Furry Enchilada
Position: Engage in copulation on a large, Mexican, multi-dished buffet. Food items should include tamales, tacos, and anything else spicy and chilie-riddled.
Difficulty Level: 3
Pros: The benefit of accomplishing two natural acts at the same time - having sex and eating bean dip.
Cons: Often produces a painful, distended gas bubble that can only be relieved by manual manipulation or a good solid kick to the nuts.
Resulting Offspring: A sly, charming child expert at lettuce-picking and serenading dusky senoritas. Enjoys vamping his thick, pre-pubescent man fur while beating piñatas to death with a large stick. This baffles family members since everyone knows Mexicans are hairless.
The Old Man And The …See?
Position: While on “setting number 3” on Old Man Murray’s Dial A Mattress, attempt coitus without vomiting from disgust or Vick’s Vapo Rub fumes. (Also, try to avoid drinking that creepy glass of water with the teeth in it.)
Difficulty Level: 10!
Pros: Old Man Murray will reward you with his joint medication and all of the licorice pipes you could ever want.
Cons: Getting disturbingly close to a musty, wrinkled ball sack that hangs so low it creates field furrows.
Resulting Offspring: A child that is weak-bladdered, cantankerous and despises “youngsters with funny pants.” Has an unnatural weakness for U.S.S. Alabama caps and the Fox News channel.
The Clammy Flounder
Position: In an ice fishing tent three miles off Saginaw Bay, insert mildly warm penis into rapidly cooling vagina. Remember to avoid frozen zippers and bucket of minnows.
Difficulty Level: 6
Pros: What the hell else are you going to do standing around a frozen hole?
Cons: The realization that purple wigglers aren’t the adorable, soft-bodied invertebrates you thought they were.
Resulting Offspring: A damp, shivering baby that, despite being delicious pan-fried, always manages to swallow the hook.
The Seven Digit Trump Thump
Position: Have meaningless sex in Suite 1033 of Ft. Lauderdale’s Trump Tower, preferably on the granite wet bar or on top of a large stack of 50s.
Difficulty Level: 7 if money is no issue, 10 if you’re the rest of us
Pros: Berber carpeting hides stiletto heel marks and cocaine spillage.
Cons: Suite 1033 has a view of The State Farm building.
Resulting Offspring: An arrogant, solipsistic fuck-bucket that gets satisfaction from kicking dogs and blond women from Slovenia. Often seen pushing other babies because of their conservative views on junk bonds.
30 Seconds With Uncle Willie
Position: Get molested in your uncle’s basement while being shown his “really nifty Old Spice bottle collection.”
Difficulty Level: No number could ever come close.
Pros: Sometimes it’s nice to keep things in the family.
Cons: You’re forced to look at a bunch of shitty Old Spice bottles.
Resulting Offspring: A myopic, mumbling crotch-grabber that hides the entirety of his left index finger up his right nostril while humming the theme song to Barney Miller. Oh, and his grandmother is also his aunt.