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            The Vulgarian’s Guide
            To The Perfect Insult
                          by
                       Diana Grove
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      Do you find yourself at a loss when it comes to the perfect verbal assault?  Let the good folks at American Sideshow blaze the path to better insults with this handy mix and match list.  In just a few short minutes you'll go from average, caring citizen to completely offensive ass jackal, all without leaving the comfort of your own home.

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        clam-handed........rat grabber

        slew-footed..........gutter snipe

        crack-faced..........bean drinker

        loose-armed.........dirt kicker

        addle-pated..........slag magnet

        scab-ankled..........porn monkey

        arch-nosed...........ass lancer

        knob-backed........boil junky

        pock-chested........blood dauber

        pinch-lipped.........sewer frother

        goo-eyed..............trouser toad

        cornfed................ball dripper

        snigger-gummed....waffle snarfer

        belly-wormed........ass jackal

        triple-chinned........lily picker

        nail-biting.............frond feeler

        slick-wristed.........saddle tanner

        wall-eyed.............pickle sucker

        splay-toed............lap lover

        ham-fisted............coin rubber

        hammer-headed....fruit squeezer

        warm-regioned......coal tosser

        screw-headed........nut grabber

        snide-lipped..........glue huffer

        pock-pored...........trigger fiend

        trowel-headed.......mouth breather

        whim-fancied.......floor lapper

        boggy-coloned......towel maiden

        junk-peddling.......closet stuffer

        jingle-stepped.......gee gawer

        lemming-like........sewer fowl

        draggle-winged.....pond dripper

        eel-lipped............stone tosser

        shag-assed...........mammal squeezer

        chigger-faced.......field foul

        split-nostrilled......lake larvae

        leather-honed......sock sniffer

        throttle-nosed......moth chaser

        pinch-faced.........stool sitter

        pale-livered..........pole sniffer

        raw-eyed............socket fop

        sling-jawed.........cheese eater

        furry-mouthed.....pant weasel

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                                 And In Response...

 

                        Insult Testimonials 

                                   Compiled by Dan Burt

      Thanks to your Insult List, nobody pushes me around anymore.  Many snide-lipped socket fops think that just because I'm a shy librarian they can return their overdue books and not pay a fine.  Well, fuck them up the ass with a salty spear gun!  The last time a pale-livered patron tried to argue his way out of a ten-cent fine, I let loose with a contumelious verbal barrage that left the boggy-coloned sewer frother stunned and holding his bleeding nose.  Oh, I also popped him in the face with the spine of Freakonomics but I'm sure it was the insult that made him bleed.

                                                       - Mona Lucy

      I want to commend American Sideshow for providing a patriotic service to this great country of mine.  I only wished I had the Insult List a few years ago when I was discussing the nation's business on the senate floor with snigger-gummed Senator Leahy.

                                                     - "Dead Eye" Dick Cheney

      After a hard day dancing with the Metropolitan Ballet Company I head on down to my second gig at Luby's Poon Palace where I put on a pole show for all kinds of horny sling-jawed nut grabbers.  Your Insult List has helped me keep some of the more aggressive raw-eyed lap lovers at bay.  Believe it or not, most don't mind being called goo-eyed pole sniffers (and neither do my male dance partners in the ballet company).

                                                 - Katherine Fontaine (a.k.a Slice)

      I have to take exception with American Sideshow for including the term "rat grabber" on the Insult List.  You see, rat grabbing is in my DNA.  I come from a long line of proud rat grabbers going back to my great, great, grandfather Paddy "O'Grabby" O'Grady in Ireland.  He earned a small fortune in the business, enough to send his sons across the pond to follow their dreams of rat catching in America, where they caught many, believe me! 
 
                                                              - Patrick O'Grady V

       I'm a professional gravedigger and the last thing I need when I'm ready to dump the dirt on some dead screw-headed glue huffer is to have a bunch a blubbering boil junkies loitering around the grave.  I just have to yell something like, "Hey you pinch-faced pickle suckers, get the fuck out of the way."  Works every time.  Thanks American Sideshow.

                                                               - Clem                                   

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                          Check out the weird-brained world of Dan Burt at
                www.CaptainCanard.com and tell him American Sideshow sent 'ya.