Published in Sweet Fancy Moses 2001
Body Hair - A Primer
by Diana Grove
Nothing raises more social controversy than people’s opinions about body hair. You can safely assume from this statement that I don’t hang out with political activists, cancer researchers or anyone else that makes the alarm clock a useful invention. However, I once met an oncologist who had severely hairy knuckles, and that really should count for something. Besides, hairiness is something I can write about with authority since my weed wacker doubles as a knee hair thinner.
People spend lifetimes raging against the fickle whims of body hair. Epic poems could be written entitled; “The Battle of Two Furry Lips Colliding,” or perhaps “Ode To A Dewy Burn.”
The question of hair removal is as eternal as sex - should I pay for it, and do I tip? The ancient Romans spent the better part of an era dipping themselves in honey, then ripping their hair out by the root via charging chariot. This later became an Olympic sport. Whoever was hairless after “The Lion and Christian Half Time Show” won.
On the other hand, body hair can be an endless source of creativity. Head hair alone can be: shaped, shaved, shellacked, twisted, twirled, teased, bleached, braided, bobbed and combed from ear to ear to make an amusing little head doily. It pretty much defines who we are; accountants are neatly shorn, rock stars have mange. I wouldn’t be caught dead mailing bad checks to a televangelist who didn’t have a very high, and highly sprayed “3 feet closer to Jesus” bouffant. I would instead be forced to send them to “The Conway Twitty School of Doo Improvement.” Which I believe is located in a corrugated metal building near lot 4 in Twitty City.
Hairstyles are a highly developed evolutionary signal used to let our fellow human beings know where we are from and if we are somehow related to the Great Northern Sasquatch. Take for instance, “The Mullet”; this particular style is characterized by hair that’s short and layered in front and as long as a hoe handle in back. It’s quite popular with men who dwell south of the Mason Dixon line. Currently, dissertations are being written about this bewildering cultural phenomenon. Ironically, it was invented by both Angela Bowie and Paul McCartney in the mid 1970’s. This unisex hairstyle has the remarkable ability to make women look like men and men look like my great aunt Maxine from Hackensack.
Northerners are also quite distinctive when it comes to hair showmanship. Unfortunately, it can usually be broken down into two categories: “short and clean-so God likes me” and “Fuck you! I grow my hair long to express my individuality…like that guy.”
Hair removal can be just as complicated as hair styling. Should you wax, tweeze, shave, sugar, depilitorize or simply develop cancer? Tweezing is, of course, the logical answer, mostly because every household has the device. They’re usually used for pulling ticks off the dog or extracting poker chips from the radiator grill. Next to tweezing, shaving comes in at a close second. Unfortunately, I can shave my legs in the morning, do the daily jumble, and have to shave all over again before toast-time. Waxing and sugaring is just another way of impersonating a glazed doughnut and we all know that attracts flies, particularly during the summer months. Forget depilatories. Who even knows what that word means? It sounds like a large institution that refuses to dispense aspirin.
One can always throw caution to the wind and not worry about hairiness. I tried this once. However, I felt I needed to proceed with caution, considering most people rightfully confused me with my bearded father. So, I grew out the hair on only one leg, just to see how it would feel. The immense growth increased the weight of my calf substantially, causing me to walk in circles. Since I don’t get around much, this ended up wearing a sizeable hole in the ground out in the back yard. I now have a lovely, 4 foot wide duck pond which didn’t even require the use of a backhoe.
Facial hair is even more of an embarrassment than leg hair. However, it can be used to send out powerful signals with great effect. For instance, when I want sex, I don’t twirl my hair with my finger, that’s kids stuff. I simply grow out my mustache and wax the tips. Men like girls who impersonate 19th century bank robbers. It makes them feel like The Sundance Kid.
The underarm hair issue is pretty simple. If you grow it out, you are a pariah to all but those who are blind, deaf and without olfactory function. Which actually sounds like a pretty good date, especially if they don’t notice your ear hair or the fact that you’ve swiped their dessert brownie.
The degree of one’s hairiness can usually be gauged by one’s ethnic background. Asians and Latinos can usually sleep an extra hour in the morning because they don’t have to shave an air vent down their backs like their European and Middle Eastern neighbors. Also, they seem to only have hair where it’s supposed to be, namely; the head, the upper lip and the naughty region. My Northern European relatives had to build a lean-to out of elm bark just to house all the surplus ankle hair. I won’t even tell you where they kept the extra eyebrows.
I suppose having an ample supply of body hair can be a blessing. Because most likely, your naturally occurring hair shirt already has the matching pants. It also keeps you warm in the winter. And you don’t have to worry too much when all the good Halloween costumes are gone, just take your shoes off, comb your hair forward and wear shorts.
