Published in Sweet Fancy Moses 2001

 

                                             Dear Ted…

                                              by Diana Grove

Dear Ted,

       I got your letter, I think it’s so sweet how concerned you are about me.  But like I said before- I’m doing fine, really.  The doctor says if I just lie still I’ll heal up in no time.  He says the sandbags have to stay on my chest so I won’t wiggle around so much, because that just bunches up my gauze and pops my sutures and so on.  I just can’t help myself though, I get so antsy without you.  But don’t take that as a hint!  I want you to stay right where you are.  You’re new business needs to be looked after much more than I do.  I’ve got Joni “The Bedpan Princess” taking care of me.  Besides, the world needs a left-handed cane and umbrella shop.  And supply and demand is the number one key to good business.  At least that’s what my Granddaddy always said- and he was the number one bunion pad manufacturer in Omaha.  I think I’ve told you this about a million times, but he actually invented foam corn removers.  Before that, people would either have to rasp them off or just plain suffer.  So anyway, I’m behind you all the way.  And I’m so glad you decided to sell both products, because what is a cane but an umbrella without a rain jacket! 
      Darling, I am worried about you too!  I hope your taking care of yourself.  That was certainly a nasty blow you took to the head.  And I hope “Mr. Wigglesworth” is OK, because I really miss his visits to my “Creamy Dream Machine.”  I know the police officer said I shouldn’t have been doing that kind of thing in a car, travelling at that speed, and such things should be left in the bedroom.  But sometimes I just can’t help myself.  Especially when you wear that sexy musk oil that I love so much.
      Tell me Sweet Thing, are your sutures holding?  Is there much swelling?  Do you still have to pee into a baggie?
      Now Mugsy, I don’t want you blaming yourself.  Who knew a turkey truck would take so long to stop.  In a way it’s kind of a good thing the Plymouth was totaled, because you’d never be able to get all those turkey parts out of the grill anyway.  I never thought such a harmless bird could scratch and peck so ferociously.  But don’t worry Buttercup, I will always love your face, no matter how many scars you have on it.
      Thanks for asking about little Muffy.  She’s doing as well as can be expected.  It’s hard for a dog to get around on only three legs.  But my vet said that maybe we could buy a little scooter for her.  How cute- can you imagine?  A little doggy wheelchair.  I wonder if we could get a handicapped parking sticker too.  That would sure help me out, now that my toes are fused together.  I’ve always heard that, other than childbirth, being burned is the worst kind of pain you can experience.  Boy, that’s sure true!  Of course we’ll never know about childbirth because of my obtuse uterus.  But that’s ok, isn’t it Monkeynibbles?  Kids would just take time away from the Cane and Umbrella Shop.  And we can’t have that.  It’s good to reach for the stars and follow your dreams.  I just wish I could help out more, but this metal brace is really getting on my nerves, and it keeps rusting up!  The doctor says we couldn’t afford a titanium one, so we’ll just have to keep spraying this one with DW40 or something. 
      But don’t you worry Luvkins, I’ve got it all figured out.  After several months of healing- and by that time I should have figured out how this crazy hook works- I’ll be just about as good as new.  I can sell poppy lapel pins outside your shop- you know, just like the Kiwanis.  That should bring in enough money to pay for the liver machine.  Which is really pretty cute now that Nanna knit a pretty pink coverlet for it.  She embroidered the words “Go Ahead- Liver A Little” on it.  She is such a ham! 
      Anyway Sugarspoons, I can’t wait to see you again and to see how you’ve decorated the new shop.  I do hope you go with the Misty Aqua wallpaper because after all, you are in the “rain and cane” biz.  Perhaps you should start thinking about accessories too?  Like rubber cane tips for heavy snow and ice and waterproof umbrella spray.  Just a thought.
      Well, gotta go.  The water is starting to turn red again and the Doc is here to re-grease my wounds.  He always makes me put a Popsicle stick in my month so I won’t scream.  Can you believe it- what a Silly!  Anyway, I love you Bunnyknickers.  And try to remember- anyone would forget where the break pedal is in that kind of situation- it’s not your fault!

Loads of Luv!
                   

Your girl,

Bethany