Published in Opium Magazine 2003

              The National Funeral Directors Conference 
                                     
                                                by Diana Grove

                        To be held in the Cattleman’s Conference room
                      at the Best Western in beautiful downtown Omaha

                                   Schedule of Events

Friday

10 a.m. Embalming Fluid Safety
  
Lecturer Barry Baumann discusses the flammability of embalming fluid, its uncanny resemblance to Kool-Aid, and what to do if you find the neighbor kids messing around in the morgue again.

11 a.m.        The Lost Art of Eye Socket Packing

Never have a sunken eye socket again.  Margaret Lindall explains the subtleties of preserving the face in its most natural state.  (Complimentary bag of cotton balls included with lecture.)

12 p.m. Lunch at Betty Jo’s BBQ Round Up
  
Meal includes a choice of either BBQ short ribs or BBQ pork ribs, crackers, extra sauce and drink.

2 p.m.  Relieving Rigor Mortis

City coroner Tak Hirimoto demonstrates the art of relieving corpse stiffness with either shiatsu, Swedish, or deep tissue massages.  Say goodbye to broken limbs and difficult dressing forever.

4 p.m.  Crematory Law: Know Your Rights

Local attorney Russell Fourkey (office location: 1336 Wrangler’s Ridge Shopping Mall) explains the current complexities of crematory law.  Lecture includes: “Litigation
Due To Improper Ash Size; The Paco Hernandez Story,” “How To Deal With a Family’s Rage,” and “Reaching a Settlement With Dignity and Ease.”

5 p.m.  Dinner Banquet with host Mel Toadwine 

Entrees include either beef shoulder, beef tips, or beef a la king with vegetable drink and cobbler.  The annual Funeral Directors award will be presented following the musical styling of Ernie Rampart and The Ramparettes.

7 p.m.  (optional)  Nighttime tour of Council Bluff concluding at Raceman’s Dog Track and Casino.

Saturday

10 a.m. Grooming the Deceased: The Case of the Missing Mustache

World renowned mortician Willard Carmichael discusses the subtleties of hair preparation, including loose follicles and the drama of hair parting.

12 p.m. Lunch at Loco Taco 

Meal includes either a beef taco, beef tamale, or beef enchilada with drink, chips and flaming pineapple.

2 p.m.  Modern Cosmetics from the Shrillman Funeral Home

Long revered as the queen of funerary cosmetics, Mrs. Ethel Shrillman demonstrates several new techniques in color application.  She also addresses the controversial topic of lip-sealing in her lecture: “Glue, Thread, and Staples: New Methods in Jaw Securement.”

4 p.m.  Windpipe Corking and Other Helpful Preventatives

Mortician Eddie Falsurano will present a slide show of the proper method of gas entrapment.  And as always, Mr. Falsurano comes fully equipped with an arsenal of humorous stories and amusing anecdotes.

6 p.m.  Dinner at Beefsteak Willies 

Entrée includes either ribeye or roundsteak with drink and rotating pie display.

8 p.m.  (optional)  Show at Ann E. Oakley’s Live All-Girl Shoot-Out Review 

$5 cover, 2 drink minimum.  (Please note: mechanical bull and pistol machine are out of order.)

Sunday

9 a.m.  Sunday mass followed by tour of St. Brenda of the Angels, (Pastor Williams presiding.)

10 a.m. Tour of the Acme Beef Processing Plant 

Foreman Skip Krunschler explains the ins and outs of the beef processing industry.  He also demonstrates the company’s
revolutionary new 15-gage titanium rib splitter (which can be purchased directly from the Acme catalogue located in the gift shop).

12 p.m. Lunch at Betty Jo’s BBQ Round Up  Meal includes either sloppy joe or BBQ rib plate with chips and butter pickle.

2 p.m.  Chestal Cavity Filler: The Case Against Kitty Litter

Morton Pickway analyzes the various methods for chestal forming and shaping, discounting any rumors that crumpled newspaper, sawdust and kitty litter have made an unexpected comeback.

3 p.m.  What’s New?  Theme Funerals!

The entire Norbert family (from Norbert Funeral Home, Kansas City, Kansas) will display and model their new line of funerary garments, ranging from the Queen of England and Shirley Temple to Elvis Presley. In a vast array of styles, fabrics and sizes, these products are bound to add class and imagination to any funeral service.

4 p.m. (optional)  Post-Service Casket Swapping: Immoral or Just Plain Thrifty?

Again, local attorney Russell Fourkey discusses a taboo subject known only too well in the funerary industry.  He will also be handing out complimentary pencils and rubber coin purses.  Attendance guarantees complete pro bono future service and a $3 coupon at neighboring Kost Kutters Hair Kuttery.