Diana Grove lives and writes in New Orleans, Louisiana. However, since she’s a relative newcomer, she does not know how to make the perfect roux, jambalaya, gumbo, hurricane or hand grenade, so don’t ask.
Diana Grove should be used for entertainment purposes only. She should not be consumed on an empty stomach or during religious holidays. While harmless in appearance, she can and will cause nasty scarring if approached abruptly from behind.
Always use caution when reading Diana Grove in a mixed crowd, particularly if tax attorneys are present. If you wish to start a Diana Grove fan club, she’s all for it, in fact, she might join. Just don’t expect to get any free key chains out of the deal.
If you want to send a package to Diana Grove - don’t. She’s been leery of package deliveries ever since the leaking mincemeat incident of 1996. Any resemblance to other Diana Groves either living or dead, is purely coincidental. However, if you feel you may be a twin, please come forward, because clearly that would be some pretty freaky shit.
Diana Grove does get jiggy, although she’s no longer accepting coupons for it. If you attempt to cajole Diana Grove with physical niceties like foot rubs and the like, she may comply, provided she is pumiced as well. Do keep in mind that her toes are webbed (which is rather impractical considering she’s terrified of water and anything else that contains the Great Northern Pike).
And please, for the love of God, feel free to wear leopard print Lycra. If a rash ensues, don’t blame Diana Grove. Everyone knows leopard print Lycra leaves a rash especially during the rainy months. Finally, even though Diana Grove loves you, don’t expect too much, I mean she is coming to you free for Christ’s sake…
The American Sideshow Team…
Morey Silverfisch – Agent
Morey has been Diana Grove’s agent ever since her poetry collection “Moonbeams and Moist Kittens” won first place at the Des Moines Literary Festival and Bean Bake Off. He claims when he read her poem “Ode To a Distempered Tabby,” he knew instantly she’d rise to the top. His agency Entertainment In Everything Incorporated Organization or EIEIO has worked with such publishing superstars as Maynard Whippel (“D Spells Dead” and “Murder Drove a Pinto”), Ernesto “El Loco Gato” Blanco (“Hot Peppers and Cool Nights: 1001 Ways to Make Love to a Piñata”) and of course the infamous Sister Clydette Woolenburg, “The Queen of Christian Pamphleteering.” Although he claims Diana Grove can be “cantankerous and tyrannical, often to the point of violence” Morey loves her fiercely and swears she only means the best, even when she’s hurling office supplies at Betty his secretary.
Saul Silverfisch – Manager
Saul has been managing Diana Grove’s career for over a decade now. He sees that she arrives on time, is well cared for, and is more often than not, wearing pants. When he’s not choreographing her every move, Saul is busy working with his twin brother Morey to better establish all of their clients in the glitzy and glamorous world of on-line publishing. Although one of his highest grossing clients, after spending an afternoon with Diana Grove, Saul often says he’s ready to retire to a large lake with a comfortable pair of concrete shoes. Mostly because Diana loves to tell people in the industry how the twins were separated at birth with a hack saw and a pair of pliers and the only remnant of their freakish past is a little conjoined baby jumper Saul keeps in the bottom of his sock drawer for sentimental purposes. The Silverfisch brothers find her very amusing…after the check clears.
Charles Keeting Firmbrau III - Editor
Diana Grove has never actually met Mr. Firmbrau although he promises to get right to work just as soon as his hunt for the Great Brisbane python is complete in outer Toowoomba.
Nieda Feldshing – Publicity
Nieda has been promoting Diana Grove’s career ever since she appeared on Feldshings’s door step with a box full of limericks and a twenty dollar bill. Together they launched the largest publicity stunt in publishing history – edible dictionaries. After several lawsuits, Nieda decided Diana Grove action figures would be more marketable. She was right - they were the hit of book signings from coast to coast (most likely due to the flexing elbows and fully rotating head socket). Nieda Feldshing has been a staple in the publicity industry since 1928. She began her career handing out free Chesterfields at the premier of Delores Del Rio’s “Shanghai Deadline.” After a mediocre turn out she quickly switched to Lucky Strikes which she felt had more Q with the kids. Although Nieda’s worked with a century full of stars, she claims Diana Grove to be her favorite. “Hell, what can I say, she’s clean, she doesn’t eat much, and she’s the only client I have that doesn’t swipe the hand towels.”
Big Bad Ray – Personal Driver
Big Bad Ray “has been driving Diana Grove’s white ass around town since just after parole.” He’s cool, he’s punctual and Big Ray can pop out a knee cap with a tire gauge in less than 30 seconds, so it’s best to not fuck with him. Other than taking care of Diana Grove’s 2 a.m. Skol needs, Big Bad Ray’s into fast cars, numchucks, crushed velvet and miniature Schnauzers. If Diana Grove didn’t have Big Bad Ray, she’d never get anywhere including out of bed.
Punchy Winkleton – DUI Lawyer
Mr. Winkleton is the sole legal adviser to American Sideshow and has gotten Diana Grove and her staff out of many scrapes over the years, including: copyright infringement, plagiarism, auto theft, arson, armed robbery, attempted kidnapping, money laundering, petty theft, indecent exposure, driving while intoxicated, and most recently, threatening a reference librarian with a baked ziti. Punchy is relentless in the court room and won’t rest until he wins, or at least settles, which ever gets him to happy hour quicker. He admires Diana Grove’s spunk, but he would like to remind her she still owes him a sizeable sum for setting his Delta 88 on fire. “It was a cute trick, but for Christ’s sake somebody’s got to tell that girl fava beans and fertilizer don’t mix.”
Melody the Assistant
Melody is Diana Grove’s fifth and most proficient assistant to date. In fact, she doesn’t know what she’d do with out her. Melody always gets the job done and even though she can be “disorganized, lazy, bandy-legged, slow-witted, flighty, water-brained, clumsy, humorless, dull, flat-footed, and smelling faintly of ether” she's still the only one Diana Grove's got. To this invaluable assistant she'd like to say, ”Melody, thanks for all of the tireless work and unpaid overtime, the corrections, the research, the editing, the ideas, and, actually, most of the writing…now move your scrawny, misshapen hide and make me some coffee before I fire your ass, you worthless vessel of wasted oxygen!”
You can contact Diana Grove at DianaLynnGrove@aol.com
