Go on, buy yourself something nice...

The Official American Sideshow Hanger

This sturdy 12-gauge, multi-purpose hanger can be used for  
just about anything, including unlocking car doors, performing your own abortions or creating a fantastic mobile out of tuna cans and chicken
bones.  Perfect for the person that has everything.  (Warning: Choking hazard, not recommended for children under 3.)

$2.99  (Currently out of stock.  Check back after Valentine’s Day)

Hitler’s Brain

Couldn’t score Napoleon’s foreskin on E-bay?  Not to worry, now you can wow your friends with this numbered, limited-edition brain from everybody’s favorite fascist, Adolph Hitler.  Don’t accept cheap imitations, this one comes with its own certificate of authenticity and black leather carrying case.

$49.95  (Recalled due to rash-causing agent in cerebral cortex)

Bob

Feeling tired and worn out?  Need a boost in energy?  Why not
let Bob put the spring back in your step.  Bob has over 12 years of experience with Shiatsu, Reflexology, The Swedish Spine Snap, The Rear Adjuster, The South American Bicep Thrust, The Electric Pony and most importantly, Carl, his long-time friend and assistant.  Experience the magic of Bob today!  (Currently does not include extra towels or Carl)

$59.95 per hour (On back order due to popular demand)

A Freshly Mixed Manhattan

Enjoy a highball specially mixed and delivered to you by Diana Grove, creator of American Sideshow.   This delightful cocktail harkens back to an era when perfectly coiffed wives asked suit-wearing husbands, “Darling…be a dear and mix up a pitcher of Mannies, I’ve got Bridge Club in an hour and for God’s sake I don’t want to be sober…”  This authentic libation comes with its own swizzle stick and retro serving glass.  (May contain: bourbon, scotch, rye, cooking sherry, rubbing alcohol, grain alcohol, spirit of guar gum, ether, green cherries, Norax 6 and a hilarious novelty ice cube with a fly in it.  Price does not include tip.)

$7.95 (Temporarily out of stock due to the enthusiasms of Mr. Grove)

The Do-It-Yourself-Ransom Note

With all of the hustle and bustle of modern life, who has time to create a proper ransom note these days?  But the Do-It-Yourself Ransom Note makes it easy. Now anyone can commit first degree kidnapping, second degree kidnapping and more!  Just tear out the horribly mismatched letters and glue your threatening message to regular typing paper.  With this clever kit you’ll be rolling in ransom dough before you can say “Jean Paul Getty.” (Please note: Does not include glue, paper, or the letter N)

$10.95 (Temporarily on hold due to an investigation by some guy named Agent Weinholtz)

The Erotic Desk Chair

Guaranteed to be super responsive, the Erotic Desk Chair swivels, glides and thrusts with just the slightest movement of your hips.  The 12 volt battery pack located in the center crank column heats the seat and arm rests for a truly special work session.  The dual-valve, triple-action vibratory switch located on the left arm is built to withstand heavy abuse and a high work load.  Perfect for late nights at the office or just scooting around the boudoir. 

$129.95 (Current delay in shipment due to faulty wiring in vibratory
              circuit)

Peaches Browning’s Tin Lizzy

Experience the pride of owning famous 1920’s divorcee Peaches
Browning’s Model-T.  Sit in the front seat where Peaches
And “Daddy” Browning fought over who was going to get the
rights to Mr. Honkers, the couple’s pet goose.  Thrill at the
glove compartment filled with laudanum vials and legal papers.  Delight in an era when 15-year-old virgins could bring down old men with just some axle grease and the toss of a hanky. 

$300,000 (Does not include shipment, wheels, crankshaft, or chassis)