Who’s Afraid of the Virginia Wolf Beetle?

By Diana Grove
    

      It never ceases to amaze me how many people are afraid of insects.  I’m not, and I’m such a pantywaist I get panicky if I lose hot water in the shower.  I begin to re-enact scenes from the sinking of the Lusitania, complete with plenty of gasping, burbling and a vain attempt to dislodge my sea boots.  This usually makes me flop about all soapy-like, screaming and searching for my lost life jacket.  But enough about my tedious hygiene habits, let’s talk about cockroaches.
      Cockroaches are nothing to fear for God’s sake.  They’re no worse than most of your filthy college friends.  Has a cockroach ever waltzed into the kitchen at high noon and vomited in your blender?  Not the ones I invite over for pot brownies.  They simply scurry around the baseboards looking nervous and hungry, waving those antenna around, hoping to heaven they spot the 50 ton sneaker that will squirt their 3 inch guts from here to the bathroom sink.  It’s not an easy life.  It’s kind of like being Tommy Chong auditioning for dinner theatre.  The very thought of it makes my mustache sweat.  (Yes, I have a mustache.  I keep it in my top drawer and wear it around when no one’s looking.)
      Cockroaches are high on the list of loathsome lowlifes, but nothing can rile passions to the point of mass hysteria like the spider.  For one thing, spiders have a long and colorful history of frightening little girls who sit peacefully eating gruel on tuffets.  This is the kind of urban legend that can send any reasonable 6-year-old into a five-alarm frenzy.  Girls are brainwashed enough by the evils of the Mattel Company.  The last thing they need is a giant, hairy spider crawling into Malibu Barbie’s Fun Camper (with the fabulous pop-up top) showing her what kung-fu grip is all about.  GI Joe wouldn’t stand a chance.  He didn’t have a real penis anyway.  I know-I checked… twice.
      I feel it is my duty to show the world that spiders are not only our friends but are very practical as well.  How else can you make that snot-nosed kid who keeps gluing your # 2 Tyconderoga to your desk weep with fear.  Just wave a hairy spider at him.  Plus, they’re free.  Which is more than you can say for electric hand buzzers and fake dog poo. 
      Spiders and cockroaches are relatively commonplace.  Therefore, I’ve taken the liberty to research some more exotic insects for your perusal.  Some of these varieties are so mysterious you may not find them under your own garbage can, but they may very well appear under your cousin Ernie’s in Decatur.
      Because you’re all such simpering scardy cats and I feel you really need to stop squealing like girls, I’ve only included the bugs that kill and maim at their own discretion.  Here goes:

 -Common Mosquito = Creates a small, annoying bite that has
   plagued backyard barbecues for centuries.  May throw   
   victim into a malarious fever.

 -Honey Bee = It’s bite is slightly more severe than the
   mosquito, but nothing to sell the farm over.

 -Hornet = “Great God Almighty It Hurts!”  Swelling and
  throbbing pain is relieved only by cursing and kicking    
  anything nearby, including the dog.

 -Spiny Orb Weaver = This spider was once thought to be
   psychic.  It may suffocate its victim in large amounts of
   tatting, while promising a future of tall, dark strangers.

-Striped Scorpion Beetle = It’s curtains unless your read the      
  Bible loudly, clearly and with meaning.

 -Deer Tick =  Although we all love to shoot at deer, their
   ticks do not seem to take it well.  Therefore they inflict
   revenge by sucking our blood ‘till we’re pallid, pathetic
   ninnies that can’t even locate the rifle oil.

 -Carolina Saddlebag = This dragonfly confuses its victim by
   mimicking a small horse, where it then beats it to death
   with an old boot, or anything else that happens to be lying
   around.

 -Rhinoceros Beetle = Often seen goring its victim with its
   mighty horn.

 -Velvet Ant Cow Killer = A wasp that comes across as a
   smooth talker, but really just gets off on the demise of all
   God’s creatures.

 -Black and Yellow Mud Dauber =   This wasp creates a very
   effective disguise by constantly trying to appear selfless
   by cleaning up after others.  This allows for a perfect
   opportunity to stab you in the back the second you leave
   the room.

 -Giant Leopard Moth =  Often seen attacking small antelope,
   this moth is so large it can change it’s own light bulb.
 
  -Monarch Butterfly = Although once thought docile, this
   beast has been known to carry away small children with
   full stomachs.

      Now that you’re simultaneously biting your knuckles and squinching your groin in absolute terror, let’s try to be reasonable.  Just because a bug can kill you (not before sending you through hours of chills, stomach expulsions and visitations from notable saints) doesn’t necessarily mean it will.  Put yourself in their position.  No, I mean really put yourself in their position.  Get down on the ground and scurry through an old pile of garbage, feeding yourself, without the use of your opposable thumbs, or your above average taste in European cheeses.  Now who’s got the short end of the stick?  You don’t see Meg Ryan inviting the Great Virginia Wolf Beetle over for salads, they’re too busy out back, trying to suck grubs out of an old pile of rain boots.