______________________________
Phone Interview
With Henry Kissinger
_____________________________
by Diana Grove
DG “Mr. Kissinger, it’s a pleasure. Thank you for taking my call…may I call you Henry?”
HK “Please, call me Doctor. My mother always wanted me to be a doctor, and now it is so.”
DG “I thought I read in your memoirs that your mother wanted you to be a sausage maker?”
HK “No, that was my dear Aunt Mitzy, she was the one who hid me in a pickle barrel and sent me out of Nazi Germany when I was 15. She was a powerful woman and had a very keen interest in sausages.”
DG “And from what I hear, so do you.”
HK “I could tell you many stories…”
DG “Yes, but first I’d like to discuss Christopher Hitchen’s book, The Trial of Henry Kissinger, in which he makes some pretty bold statements. How do you feel about being accused of war crimes, not to mention out and out murder?”
HK “Believe me, that young man lives in a cloud of fantasy and fairy dust. The British are like that, you see. All they do is whine and mince about like a lot of tweed-wearing tea-sippers. Did you know their only sausage, the so-called “Banger,” is simply a pale imitation of a German Bratwurst. It is an outrage of the highest order.”
DG “Ok, aside from the sausage issue…are you saying you deny his allegations that you systematically bombed 600,000 innocent Cambodian civilians in the late 1960’s and organized the kidnapping and killing of Chilean General Rene Schneider?”
HK “Let me start by saying that this Hitchen’s fellow wouldn’t know what to do with a fine Bavarian Pinkelwurst if it were forcibly placed down his pale limey gullet. You know, I have very reliable sources that claim he is actually a vegetarian. Now that is a ‘crime against humanity.’”
DG “Dr. Kissinger, in general, you seem quite focused on the sausage. Do you see it as a metaphor for a New World alliance? Perhaps 'packing' the world community together and 'encasing' it in brotherhood? After all, you did win the 1973 Nobel Peace Prize.”
HK “Let me just say that using a natural casing is the only way to make a true sausage. Synthetic casings are destroying the moral fiber of the American people. The sausage must be kept pure, not encased in artifice.”
DG “Um, ok....I’d like to ask you a few questions about your involvement with President Nixon and the Vietnam War.”
HK “Ah yes, Vietnam…so much rice. All you could see for miles was rice, rice, rice. You couldn’t get a smokey link in Saigon if your life depended on it. Did you know that I have a rather extensive collection of rare sausages?”
DG “Uh…what I really wanted to ask you about was the Tete Offensive, but…”
HK “…You see, I started my sausage craze back in 1952 when the Director of Nuclear Affairs at Harvard presented me with a very fine kishke for Yom Kippur. I actually have a whole wall of my study devoted to my collection. I name them and label them with historical data, some I even dress in fancy costumes. For instance, I have a Braunschweiger that once belonged to Kaiser Wilhelm which I keep hidden behind a little red curtain. Braunschweiger is very light sensitive you see. I also have a very rare kielbasa which I named Vera. It was found in the hand of Raul Wallenberg on his deathbed. And I don’t mind telling you it looks absolutely delightful in a pink sundress.”
DG “That is both fascinating and terrifying. Uh…Dr Kissinger, I can’t help but ask, how does it feel to be a German Jew accused of genocide?”
HK “Well frankly, it doesn’t make me feel half as bad as finding out that Finkelstein's Deli in Foggy Bottom is out of knockwurst. Now that fills my heart with tremendous sorrow.”
DG “Yes, well, on another note…did you maintain a close, personal friendship with President Nixon after his impeachment?”
HK “Well, the funny thing about Dickie was, he only ate – what do you call them – ‘cocktail weenies’? This is completely unacceptable. No man of integrity would be in the presence of something called a ‘weenie.’ This is not just my opinion, my good friend Augusto also agrees.”
DG “You mean Chilean Prime Minister Augusto Pinochet? The man who was recently arrested for war crimes?”
HK “‘War crimes’ is such a harsh term. The Chilean government simply did not like the way his wife re-decorated the palace – too many chintz pillows.”
DG “Oh, I see. Is Mr. Pinochet living comfortably under house arrest then?”
HK “Oh my, yes. I sent him a case of bologna and tube steaks just last week. He seems to have a real thing for Oscar Meyer, which quite frankly, I do not understand.”
DG “Right...now, back to these allegations. You say you are completely innocent of these charges?”
HK “That is 100 percent correct. I will happily stand up to any snaggle-toothed Queen-sniffer and shout Give Me Bratwurst Or Give Me Death! Power to the Almighty Sausage! That is what we used to say in Bavaria before the Nazis destroyed everything that was clean and good. Now you can’t even get a good stinkelwurst in Stuttgart…it’s just hotdogs made from horsemeat. I tell you, it makes me weep like a little child. Wait a moment…the phone’s beeping, I think I have another call. Yes, yes…it’s mother.”
DG “Well Dr. Kissinger… it was a real pleasure talking with you.”
HK “Believe me, the pleasure was all mine. Please…give me your address. I would like to send you a complementary sausage sampler. A good one. Not like those tubes of sawdust the Pepperidge Farm people put out. Believe me, they are an abomination of the highest order…”
Henry Kissinger was the United States’ 56th Secretary of State from 1973 to 1977 and the Assistant to the President for National Security Affairs from 1969 to 1975. He has written numerous books and articles on foreign policy and has received many awards, including the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973. Mr. Kissinger has recently been accused of perpetrating genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes on the people of Laos and Cambodia. He was also charged with transporting a case of illegal knockwurst into The Hague.
