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           Diana Grove
       Interviews The
   Legendary Dixie Lee
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DG  “Wow, I can’t believe I’m actually sitting down to interview the Dixie Lee.  Let me start by saying you look terrific, would it be impolite to ask your age?”

DL  “Of course honey, it’s always impolite to ask a lady her age, but ever since  I retired I volunteer it freely…I’m 73, and I’m still as bouncy as a twelve-year-old on a trampoline.  I mean look at these legs - go on, look at ‘em.  They’re as velvety as cheese cake.  Here…feel one.” (Dixie hands me a leg.)

DG  “Uh yeah…smooth.  I’d say they’re pretty spectacular.  Oooo, except for that nasty scar there, how’d you get that?”

DL  “Oh, that’s from falling off a stage once in Texas.  I started my dancing career in the grind houses in Lubbock back in the 1950’s, and let me tell you, they could get pretty rowdy.  You weren’t having a good night if the cowboys weren’t throwing beer bottles by 9 o’clock.  I’ll tell ‘ya, it’s hard to do a balloon routine to a Peggy Lee song and dodge a Lone Star at the same time.  Leena La Flair, the gal who opened the show for me, had both of her front teeth knocked out.  It was tough, but that was the price you paid for stripping on stage back then.”

DG  “It sounds like a tough life.  Most people don’t realize it, but the burlesque shows from your era were much different from the strip shows that are performed today.  Would you say that's true?”

DL  “Oh, hell yes honey.  The girls today just get a couple of fake tits and swing around on a pole for 15 minutes then expect to get tipped.  In my day you had to bring your own pole and set it up yourself in between sets.  I had to strap it on the roof of my Desoto every night along with my own spot light.  And you didn’t even think of going into the business if you didn’t already have a good set of breathers.  You know, these double D’s didn’t come out of a doctor’s office, they’re completely corn-fed.”

DG  “So it's true that dancers get more response from having large breasts.”

DL  “Oh shit yes.  Size C, D and Double D get a lot more tips than the little peach pit kind.”

DG  “So you don’t think someone like me would have a bright future in the strip scene?”  (Dixie looks me up and down and laughs.)

DL  “Honey, you’d be better off out on the street corner selling pencils.  But don’t get me wrong, a girl doesn’t want to be too big either.  I mean anything over a DDD just gives you back trouble and scares the monkeys.”

DG  “Monkeys?”

DL  “Oh sure, we always used to have an animal act back in the day.  I performed a strip routine with a Rhesus monkey for years ‘till he went crazy one night and bite my piano player on the neck.  I think some damn fool fed him whiskey.  And believe me, you haven’t lived ‘till you’ve seen a piano player hurling himself around on stage with a monkey hanging off his neck.  I think the little guy ended up in the rafters somehow.”

DG  “Oh my God…”

DL  “Yeah, and I think he got sick behind the heating ducts because the place never really smelled the same after that.”  

DG  “Wow - a monkey act.  Did you have any other weird acts?”

DL  “Weird?  Well at my age nothing seems weird except for maybe Catholics and goat cheese.”

DG  “Ok, I mean did you have any other animal acts?”

DL  “Oh hell yes.  I had a fantastic iguana act back in ’64.  I bought him in Mexico from an 80-year-old priest.  He was apparently a big fan of mine - the priest, not the iguana…the iguana was just plain foul.  Anyway, this guy sold me the lizard for ten American dollars, and get this - the animal came with its own sequined jumpsuit.  True story!  How you get a lizard to wear a jumpsuit is beyond me, but the damn thing would take a swipe at you if you tried to take it off.  Boy, the cowboys sure loved it though.  Especially when I’d do a dance number and the thing would climb up in my hair.  But Christ almighty that thing had sharp talons.  I ended up sewing little mittens for him so he wouldn’t scratch up my shoulders so bad.  I really got a thing for animals but…wouldn’t ‘ya know it…”

DG  “Uh oh, what happened?”

DL  “Well, lizards are a lot like men – they’re always trying to eat something they shouldn’t.”

DG  “Oh, you mean like discontinued jerky?”

DL  “Oh, let me tell ‘ya, this damn thing choked on a pasty one night and just couldn’t seem to cough it up in time.  And believe me, my third act suffered for it.  Fortunately I’ve always got some kind of backup, so I ended up doing a 30 minute set of The Damp Cowgirl.”

DG  “And what’s The Damp Cowgirl?”

DL  “Oh, it’s kinda hard to describe, let’s just say it involves a pair of hay bales and a whole lot of hip action.”

DG  “Sounds dangerous.  Do you think the audiences today are any different than they were back when you were dancing?”

DL  “Look, I don’t care what anybody says, men are men, they aren’t any different today.  You can stereotype ‘till you’re blue in the face.  In any given night at a strip club you’ve got your usual clientele.  You’ve got your tit men, your ass men, your big hair men, your guys that are into Chinese girls, black girls, school girls, girls with glasses, fancy lace girls, fatties, skinnys, big mommas, lesbos, and the double-jointed.  Men never change.  I mean even Abe Lincoln had a thing for Chinese lesbians.”

DG  “No!  Abe Lincoln?”

DL  “Oh yeah, apparently he and his wife used to have some pretty wild late-night soirees in the White House.  And that was way before the Clinton’s made it popular.”

DG  “Huh, well you learn something new every day.  Say, after years of dancing, did you ever find a regular fella of your own?”

DL  “Oh God, I had a ton of ‘em!  I had to beat them off with a stick.  I had so many boyfriends I had to start calling them by their last names.  Believe me, it’s hard to get heated up when you’re saying, “Faster O’Shaunessey, faster!  Somehow, it just ruins the moment.”

DG  “Did you ever go so far as to get married?”

DL  “Nah, I’m too independent.  Most guys can’t handle a woman that takes her clothes off for singles.  But I must say, after shakin’ it in Texas for 30 years I’d love a little company now that I’m retired.”

DG  “Well, maybe one of our readers fits the bill.”

DL  “Yeah,  I’m lookin’ for someone who’s nice and mature - but still likes to swing it.  But I don’t want any of those ladies men or Jesus freaks or anything.  Really I’m just lookin’ for someone who can cook an omelet without getting any back hair in it.”

DG  “Maybe someone a little like O’Shaunessey?”

DL  “Yeah yeah, sure.  But someone I can call by their first name for a change.  Someone nice who’s not going to freak out at the sight of glitter or a couple of squirrels in bed, ‘ya know?”

DG  “Oh squirrels, sure.  I know…”