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"The G. Dub Diary"
How I Re-Elected George W. Bush
By
Diana Grove
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I’m not usually a very political person, but I know trouble when I see it, and it was pretty clear back in '04 that George W. needed me more than ever for his re-election campaign.
Because of the Iraq war, this coming election was going to be tougher than tar paper for the GOP. So, as a loyal Bush supporter, I did what I always do when I’m not napping and wandering around the yard looking for my shoes - I got organized.
And even though I’d sent George some very generous cash donations that I’d found on the floor of my pick-up truck, I could tell he needed an old-fashioned grass roots organization to get the job done. So on March 1st of last year, I launched my very own G. Dub re-election campaign right in the middle of my kitchen.
Fortunately, I documented the event in my official "gettin' the job done for G. Dub" re-election diary so future generations could see how I, a diligent and caring citizen, could single-handedly win another four more years for such a terrific President and all around good guy.
March 1st
Jeez what a night. I kept dreaming about flesh-eating mandrils taking over the White House. And that’s not all; I also dreamt there were beard-wearing creatures in gilded robes swooping down to infiltrate the Super Bowl half-time show. In the morning it all became clear: a wild band of Iraqis were going to invade the United States in helium balloons chock full of toxic weaponry and weird, rabid sand monkeys. It was a premonition, I must warn the people. (Note to self: Remember not to eat boiled peanuts after midnight.)
March 10th
After trying to warn the people for over a week, I got tired and took a nap. Apparently, the people in this town don’t care if a brutal gang of Iraqis drop out of the sky and rape their daughters’ right in the middle of band practice. Exhausted from going door to door to try and spread the word, I now realize that LaBelle, Florida, my home town, is living in a cloud of denial. We must wake up and face the truth about the state of our country. So today I decided I’d do what any good American would do…I made flyers.
March 15th
Today I handed out the flyers in the U-Save parking lot listing the facts about the very real threats that we as Americans face. (Note: I saw Miss Shirley in aisle 6 buying fava beans. She of course had to point out that I spelled “Presidant” wrong, but I don’t see her out there helping George Bush keep our country safe.) Anyway, here’s the flyer…
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MY FELLOW AMERICANS!
DON’T BE AFRAID TO FACE THE FACTS! WE ARE IN GREAT DANGER IF WE DON’T RALLY TOGETHER AND SUPPORT OUR PRESIDANT IN THE FIGHT AGAINST THE EVIL DOERS!
Fact 1. The Iraqi involvement in 9-11 is unmistakable! Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have been spotted on numerous occasions playing cards out in the desert surrounded by naked women and elaborate trays of candied figs.
Fact 2. Weapons of Mass Destruction DO exist in Iraq! They’re just hiding them in one of those big stone pyramids or something.
Fact 3. Right this very moment Iraqi insurgents are enrolling in special “Insurgency Schools” in Baghdad which include Advanced Mathematics, College English, and Killing Americans Like You 101.
Fact 4. Iraqis are planning to invade America! (It’s true, it came to me in a dream.) Beware of all helium balloons commandeered by mustached men in pajamas wielding knives.
Fact 5. If you do not vote for George W. Bush, you will be voting for an invasion of the “Evil Doers.” Consider yourself warned and thanks for shopping at U-Save.
WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?
VOTE FOR GEORGE ON NOVEMBER 2!
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March 25th
I feel much better now that all of those harassing phone calls have stopped. The people of this community certainly don’t seem to be too concerned about the safety of their country. It seems they’d rather spend time complaining about my flyer campaign than hunting for terrorists. (Note: I can’t believe Miss Shirley called me up at 10 p.m. just to whine about finding my flyers at the day care center. Fine, let the Iraqi insurgents invade her home with machine guns and late model Toyotas. Let the “Evil Ones” behead her husband as he sits watching the Buccaneers lose to the Rams 26 to 12. Let them create as much bloodshed as the Indians did in the last Seminole war. See what I care! Personally, I hope they scalp Miss Shirley and steal her horse.
May 2nd
I guess I kinda lost track of the G. Dub campaign in April on account of this weird rash I have. And to be honest with you, the ointment is really starting to put everyone off. People are starting to look at me funny at the post office. Oh well, nothing’s going to slow me down now. I think I’ll take my rash into the kitchen with some pie and plan a new strategy.
May 4th
After a day and a half of searching around the house for the check book (Lord only knows how it got behind the dryer) I decided my new strategy should be to send G. Dub a check for $10. Maybe it would help him buy a new tie or something. In a P.S. I suggested red since it really brings out his eyes.
May 30th
Still no thank you card from G. Dub or Laura for the $10 check. I guess they must be busy or something. Oh well, it’s not like they aren’t spending 24 hours a day smoking the terrorists out of their holes or anything. (By the way, my rash is much worse. The doctor says it’s from “nervousness.” Can you imagine? The only thing that makes me nervous is not distributing enough “Bush vs. Evil” bumper stickers before November 2!)
June 6th
Been out of commission for a while due to an allergic reaction from the rash ointment. I’ve been running the campaign from bed though and that seems to be working out ok. I actually got Merwin Bowles from down the road to distribute my flyers for me. He said he handed out about 30 in the staff parking lot of the corrections institute and 60 at the Mexican rodeo. Unfortunately, he lost the rest in a head wind after stopping on Highway 29 to move a turtle.
June 12th
Great news! I’ve decided that if I can scrap up enough bucks I’m gonna pack a bag and fly off to the Republican convention in New York City in August. Hallelujah George, I’m really gonna win it for you this time, you can consider that a promise. (Note 1: Miss Shirley says when I’m there I should stop by and see some stupid thing called “The Guggenheim.” Sounds like a pickle stand to me. Note 2: I’ve never noticed it before but Miss Shirley has a weird mole.)
July 4th
Since Fox News said we were still in “Code Orange,” I spent the day downtown at the Fourth of July picnic looking for terrorists. I had my binoculars, my camera, my tape recorder, a big stick, and a bag of cotton candy (so I wouldn’t look conspicuous). I thought I saw a tan- looking guy doing something weird under a bridge, but it turns out it was just Juan Martinez taking a leak on a wood duck. Oh well, always vigilant, always on the look out. You can never be too careful in times like these.
July 30th
I can’t believe I have to wait another whole month ‘till the Republican convention! I sold my log splitter ($45), my weed whacker ($15), the sofa ($40) and grandpa’s eye teeth (undisclosed amount…they were gold). It turns out I have just enough to buy a plane ticket to LaGuardia airport on August 24th. Oh, and I think my flyers are finally starting to have an effect in town because I saw a little old lady carrying a shot gun into the pet store.
August 23rd
To be honest, the past month has been nothing but a nervous blur. For the past 5 days I’ve packed and repacked my bag for the convention. Should I bring a red jacket or a white jacket? Should I wear fancy shoes or sensible shoes? Will George be there, and if so, will he remember that it was me who sent him all the lemon bars? It’s just too much to think about, and darn it, I’ve got that rash again! (Note: Miss Shirley thinks it’s from eating too much refined sugar. Well, I can tell you there’s absolutely nothing “refined” about her. Clearly she doesn’t know what I’ve been through trying to save the country.)
August 24th
Well, somehow I got some bad information and it turned out the convention doesn’t start till the 26th. But I went to a dime store on 54th St. and bought some cardboard to make a sign anyway. I decided it would be a good idea to march in front of Madison Square Garden to let everyone know the Republican’s view on the Iraqi people (which is, of course, that we need to kill them before they invade Florida with their mangy, worm-riddled camels). Below is a photograph of me being interviewed on Korean television about my point of view. So even though I missed the convention by two days, at least I got to tell the world how Americans feel about the Iraqi situation. It was absolutely the thrill of a life time.
September 16th
First of all, I can’t believe people at home didn’t greet me with a ticker tape parade for spreading the good word at the Republican convention. Secondly, I can’t believe the police chief came by the house just because I put some “Bush vs. Evil” bumper stickers on a few cars in the Blockbuster parking lot. I really think he’s off his gourd, I mean, shouldn’t he be out trolling for terrorists or something? (Note: I think Miss Shirley told him about Merwin handing out my flyers in the school playground. The more I think about it, Miss Shirley looks kind of Arabic.)
October 29th
I’ve pretty much been spending the whole month of October preparing my Halloween costume, but that doesn’t mean the campaign has come to a standstill. In between gluing sheet metal onto my bicycle for my “Weapons of Mass Destruction” costume, I’ve also been diligently sending out my very own “get out the vote” flyers. At first I used typing paper and Magic Markers that I’d swiped from the library. But then I found the religious pamphlets from Iglasia del Corona down the street to be just as effective. Under the title “Will You Burn In Eternal Hell Fire?” I penciled in, “You betcha, if you didn’t vote Right on election night!” I think this will really be good for G. Dub, because other than the Iraqi storm troopers that are going to slide down our roofs at midnight, who wants to burn in eternal hell fire?
November 1st
Only one more day till I get to see all my hard work for G. Dub come to fruition. (Note: I can’t believe Miss Shirley made fun of me at the U-Save just because I forgot to watch the presidential debates. Big deal, like there was any contest anyway. Why waste your time staying up late watching stupid debates when you can be up early shouting at passing cars to “Vote Early, Vote Often, Vote for an Iraqi in a Coffin!” However, I did stay up late making a really swell sign for election day. It was supposed to be in red, white and blue, but the wiener dog ate the nibs off all my markers so I was only able to use the black one.)
November 2nd
Well, here we are, the day of reckoning - election day 2004. I drove the pick-up truck down to the LaBelle Revival Church, my polling place, and cast my vote….twice. Just kidding! Then I got out my sign to remind all the passing cars to vote Right. And you know what, I really think it worked because a lot of people honked and waved their fists at me. This just proves that winning is in the details.
(Note: Inside the Revival Church, Miss Shirley actually handed me her doctor’s phone number saying I “needed some special help.” I was so offended I threw a tiny voting pencil at her when she turned around. I’m pretty sure it stuck in her hair.)
November 3rd
VICTORY IS MINE! No one ever said it was going to be easy but with a little hard work anything’s possible. An undisputable win, and it was all because of me! I’m happy to say now that I’ve single-handedly re-elected George W. Bush, we as a country can expect a future of peace, harmony and justice. The terrorists will go back to their holes and the “Evil Doers” will think twice about infiltrating places like Florida, or the White House, or, I don’t know...Spokane. (Note: Miss Shirley is probably fuming after I tipped off the Department of Homeland Security regarding those empty propane tanks in her yard.)
