______________________________________________
Hey Everybody,
Meet The Penis!
by
Diana Grove
_______________________________________________
What’s more important than Kung Fu movies and beef jerky?
What's more desirable than fast cars and cold, hard cash?
What will make a grown man fall to his knees and worship the ground you walk on?
The answer is quite simple really…blowjobs.
It’s absolutely true. If you’re actively involved with the male beast and you don’t incorporate fellatio into your sex life, you had better pull up your knee socks, put down your Barbie Doll and listen up. If you don’t regularly give your guy good oral you’re probably just going to frustrate him and drive him off to someone who does, like the reverend's wife or Chief Justice John Roberts . It’s just that important.
Oral sex is an acquired taste that gets better with time and experience. If you’re not sure what to do, read what the staff, experts and hired prostitutes at American Sideshow have to say...
Location, Location, Location
Where you give your blowjob is often as important as how you give it. The good news is there really are no bad places as long as your chosen local doesn’t get you arrested, involved in a car accident, or bludgeoned to death by a jealous bystander. Here are some excellent places:
- your bedroom
- your neighbor’s bedroom
- your priest/rabbi/minister’s bedroom
- the tool shed
- a car hood (either stationary or non)
- on top of a cooler at the Fourth of July picnic
- behind a wreath at Grandma’s funeral
- the back of a Greyhound bus
- the men’s room at Bob Evans
- most highway medians.
(Generally, it’s a good idea to remove all pets from the designated blowjob area. Having pets in close proximity to the sexual act is actually illegal in most southern states, excluding Alabama.)
Practice Makes Perfect
To be good at anything means plenty of practice and mastering the skin flute is really no different than mastering the harmonica. Both require plenty of oral dexterity and a limited use of dental work.
Most men agree, the use of teeth should be limited to a light grazing or avoided completely. (For those of you lucky enough to wear dentures, simply remove and store in that creepy glass of water that you keep next to the bed.)
Comfort Factor
The first step to giving great oral sex is making sure you and your mate are comfortable. Begin by removing any tight, constricting clothing, like:
- neck ties
- sock garters
- flak jackets
- scuba gear
- Halloween masks
Sense of Humor
Often lightening the mood with humor is helpful, but it can be taken to unfortunate extremes. Don’t make the mistake of waltzing into the room wearing Kleenex boxes on your feet yelling, “Okay Motherfucker, where’s the 50 ton man meat!” Believe it or not, this can ruin the mood for some men.
Global Positioning
Global positioning simply means there is no position in the world that isn’t good for a blowjob. No kidding - lying down, 69, sitting, standing, upside down, passed out unconscious – it’s all good. The only exception I could imagine would be if you were held at gunpoint and forced to stand, one-legged, on a bed of nails. But really only if the nails were rusty and the gun was larger than a .22.
Getting Down To Brass Tacks
Please note: One should never actually “get down” on brass tacks, or any other tacks for that matter, as bleeding, scarring, and in rare cases, tetanus may occur.
Any expert will tell you, the perfect blowjob requires a level of mouthwork that falls somewhere between a faint summer breeze wafting through a misty canyon and sucking the sheet metal off the side of a Plymouth Skylark. It’s simply a matter of preference.
I suggest starting off slowly, then working your way up to full throttle. Watch his reaction and feel free to take notes…and don’t forget to use your tongue. It isn’t just for sticking out at cops and little old ladies anymore.
Giving a good blow job is not an easy task, think of yourself as an intrepid mountaineer. Start with the dark and furry nether regions of Camp Testicle, then make your way up the Shaft of No Return, and finally, pull up your boot straps, strengthen your resolve and climb straight up the head of Mt. Baldy. This is the sweet spot where you’ll be spending most of your time.
The most important thing to remember is to maintain consistency, rhythm and passion. With enough practice you’ll be able to develop a style of your own. Or, if you need some fresh ideas, try one of the specialty blowjobs listed below.
15 Blowjobs For Any Occasion
1. The Traditional
This is your Monday – Friday garden variety hummer, perfect for lunch breaks, happy hour and backyard barbeques. It involves plenty of simple head to mouth contact and is considered a staple even in developing countries. Simply assume the kneeling position and unzip. Remember to use your hand, plenty of saliva and a consistent rhythm (and watch out for those teeth).
General Time Requirement: 10-12 minutes, unless there are cocktails involved, then add on 5 for possible disorientation
2. The Doughnut Holder (otherwise known as: The Twinkie, The Suzy- Q
or The Candy-Coated Sugar Snake)
This technique involves placing a sweet, Danish-like substance on or around the erect member. Then, careful not to bite into the meat-filled center, daintily nibbling it off like ol’ Queen Liz at high tea.
General Time Requirement: 20-25 minutes, or until you come down from the sugar high
3. The Peppermint Stick
This can be quite a thrill for girls who have “curiously strong” constitutions. Simply chew as many Altoid breath mints as you can stand, then suck away on him like Mrs. Clause on Christmas morning.
General Time Requirement: anywhere from 2 seconds to 20 minutes, depending on his take on the tube steak tingle
4. The Deep Throat (Warning: Choking hazard! Do not try this at home!)
The name is pretty much self-explanatory. You take it all in, then make a lot of really unappealing yakking sounds ‘till you turn blue in the face and he loses his erection. There is no part of this maneuver that is the least bit natural, unless of course you lack a gag reflex or happen to be a southern Sonoran sidewinder that can unhinge its jaw and swallow a small bunny whole. (Note: As difficult as this blowjob is to achieve, you will score a lot of extra points in the bedroom if you master it.)
General Time Requirement: known only by veteran snake wranglers and those in the pornographic film industry
5. The Olympiad
This bj involves an extended performance that can be stretched out for hours if so desired. Simply distract your lover at the point of orgasm with sports stats like Rollie Finger’s 1972 earned run average, then stop and start all over again at home base until he hits a homer. (Considered the decathlon of knob-bobbing, this particular blowjob can be quite strenuous on the jaw and may require several spotters.)
General Time Requirement: unlimited, unless in a fit of frustration he decides to push you off the bed and finish the job himself…then about 4 minutes
6. The North Pole
Never stick your tongue on a frozen pole, but do try this exhilarating blow job. Have a glass of ice water next to the bed, then take a sip or two before fallatio. If he doesn’t scream in pain and run into the closet, try it again with an ice cube in your mouth. Do watch out for hypothermia and blatant displays of mitten-wearing.
General Time Requirement: see the Peppermint Stick
7. The Peckinpaw (otherwise known as “The Horse Shit and Gunsmoke”)
This one requires the use of a horse named Paint and several loaded Winchester rifles. You can be as creative as you want, just make sure there aren’t too many saddle sores, bullet holes, or rope burns when you’re done. If you can’t find a horse you can use a donkey, but any true cowgirl will tell you that’s cheating.
General Time Requirement: 30 minutes, or however long it takes to get the horse to stop walking around in circles
8. The Icky Sticky
This involves the use of jams, jellies, juices, salves, emollients, tinctures and other squishy, goo-like substances. Whipped cream, honey, butterscotch and raspberry jam are all good choices. Just apply gently with a finger or two, then devour. (Do not engage in this activity unless there is an unlimited amount of mouthwash or solvent within a 5-mile radius.)
General Time Requirement: at least 30 minutes of goo-filled fun; 10 for action, 20 for clean up
9. The Maxwell House
We all love to have our coffee in bed, so why not create a sensation with your morning mug? It’s the same technique as The North Pole, but with a lot less frostbite. He’ll definitely agree, it’s good to the last drop.
General Time Requirement: 15 minutes, or 12 with cream
10. The Iron Pony
A favorite for years with motorcycle enthusiasts, this 150 horsepower suck session includes your favorite two-wheeler and a whole lot of mouth metal. Open the valves, increase the compression and drive out to your favorite mountain range, or just keep it parked in the driveway. A motorcycle is the perfect prop for giving ultimate head. (Do avoid any unnecessary rocking, as road rash is a decidedly unpleasant come down and can be slow to heal.)
General Time Requirement: ensuring the kickstand is properly in place, a turbo-charged 15 minutes
11. Pop His Rock
You remember Pop Rocks don’t you - the granular exploding candy that was part sugary treat and part torture substance? Well, for a really perverse thrill, try getting him off with a mouthful of these bad boys. They can still be purchased at quality gas stations and dime stores around the country. However, be careful not to blow out any nasal cavities or dental fillings, as they do still pack quite a punch.
General Time Requirement: approximately 16 minutes unless he starts screaming hysterically, then about 2
12. The Shark
Usually using your teeth is a big no-no when it comes to giving head, but this particular technique requires just a tender tooth grazing followed by a gentle nibble. However, if he happens to be wearing a pair of yellow fishing boots and an eye patch, then by all means, don’t just nibble, swallow him whole (and the rubber raft he floated in on).
General Time Requirement: a good 15 minutes or until low tide approaches
13. The High Rent
If you don’t have a $350 pair of Manolo Blahnik stilettos and an 8 ball of Columbian Snow Queen to snort off your mate’s belly, don’t sweat it. You can still perform this magnificent, 80’s-style blowjob right in the privacy of your own living room. Just make sure your appearance mimics a certain Reganesque opulence, complete with big hair, an impressive stock portfolio, and alarmingly over-sized shoulder pads.
General Time Requirement: if the Trickle Down Theory truly works, about 12 minutes from poor-house to solvency
14. The Midnight Ambush (otherwise known as: The Twilight Rod Raid or
The “My Lay” Incident)
You can really use any blowjob technique you like during The Midnight Ambush, as long as you launch the attack in the middle of the night when your mate is fast asleep. Be careful, you will either have a very cranky soldier on your hands or a whole night of heavy action.
General Time Requirement: anywhere from 5 minutes ‘till bugle call if you follow all proper procedures
15. The Hoosegow Hootchee
This little number was actually invented in the Bogalusa Correctional Institution back in 1933. You can recreate it at home in a closet with a pair of handcuffs, some concrete blocks, and 6 to 8 bent Marlborough Lights. Either go for “the Tax Evader,” “the Manslaughterer,” or “the Serial Rapist.” All are fun, especially since you don’t actually have to share a cell with a 350-pound Samoan named Honey.
General Time Requirement: 15 years to life
Let’s Not Forget The Old Stand By: The Hand Job
Never underestimate the effectiveness of a hand job. It can come in handy in any situation where a blowjob just isn’t practical, like:
- at the movies
- in the drivers seat during rush hour
- in the back pew at a wedding
- on a plane
- behind a pant rack at Sears
- under a Bingo table
- in the kitchen while making ham loaf
A Note On Clean Up:
Cleaning up after a blowjob really depends on whether you’re a “swallower” or a “free shooter.” Certainly both have their benefits. When cleanliness and practicality are an issue (i.e.: sucking cock in the back of church, in a new car, or while wearing a crepe suit) by all means swallow (remember, this is not considered safe sex). But if you’re squeamish about splooge, aim that double-barreled squink-shooter at a target and fire. Do avoid hitting lampshades, electric fans, or anyone else that happens to be in the room. Keep in mind, the stuff is pure protein and will stick to anything with a superglue-like permanence including the dog.
Semen Fun Facts
The average male ejaculate contains approximately 2-5 calories and between 200 and 500 million sperm
Produced in the testes, it takes about 10 weeks for just one sperm to reach maturity
Sperm remains in the epididymis (a coil-like organ that run across the top of each testicle) for 14 days before being used in ejaculate, or, if not used, it’s broken down and reabsorbed by the body with no impact on fertility or sex drive.
Semen (a.k.a Hot Gooey Man Love) contains just 10% sperm, the rest is made up of:
- enzymes
- 8-10-10 fertilizer
- vitamin C
- calcium
- protein
- anthraxium 9
- sodium
- zinc
- library paste
- citric acid
- fructose sugar
- misc. love goo
The food a man eats can directly affect the flavor of his semen. Foods like garlic and onions produce a strong flavor, (as do tobacco, alcohol, coffee and motor oil) while foods with naturally-occurring sugars like fruit and elaborately decorated three-tiered cakes can produce a sweet flavor.
To remove semen from clothes: First remove as much of the stuff as possible with a damp tissue, wash cloth, or professional grade paint scraper. Then spot clean with soap and warm water. (Unless you're in a gas station restroom, then dab lightly with windshield wiper fluid. Avoid open flames.) If this proves to be unsuccessful, for Christ's sake go out and buy a new skirt, you can never have too many!
______________________________________________________________________
For more great tips on oral sex and things to do with penises be sure to check out the following:
"My Life In A Chain Gang, A Survivors Guide" by Lawrence T. Bookerson III
"How To Please Your Mate In Bed, Without Frightening The Children" by
Reverend T.C. McFearson
"Incorporating Lovemaking Into Everyday Accounting; or Hey, Let's Make
Tax Time Fun!" by Eugene P. Rudebusch Ph.d
"Getting Your Lover To Do Weird Things For Cash" by Florence Henderson
"Fellatio: The Devil's Hobby. How To Burn In The Pit Of Eternal Hell Fire and Other Sins of Satan's Minions" - Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints pamphlet # 367
