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Male Sensitivity Quiz
by
Diana Grove
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Guys, take this test to see how you rank...
1. If your girlfriend says she has PMS you…
a. politely ask her if there’s anything you can do
b. say, “Wow, I’ve never heard of that degree”
c. give her a high-five (after all, you were voted MVP once)
d. cover your jugular and run like hell
2. The place is a mess and she asks if you’d mind
cleaning up a bit, you…
a. grab some paper towels and start swabbing
b. use your elbow to dust figure 8’s on the TV screen
c. look confused and start speaking Dutch
d. panic and throw her out the window
3. She tells you it’s her birthday next week,
So you…
a. make dinner reservations and order flowers
b. score two tickets to see the Cardinals play the Reds
in romantic downtown Cincinnati
c. buy her a cordless spot welder with matching carrying case
d. dump her over the weekend (birthdays are
almost as expensive as Christmas)
4. She asks if you’d like to try something new
and have a threesome, you…
a. look heavenward and thank God for your good fortune
b. ask if the other girl is into Mazola and snap on tools (wait, it is
a girl right?)
c. say you’d love to just as soon as that scab heals over
d. see this as carte blanche to bang her best friend in the coat
closet
5. She’s tired But you want sex, you…
a. offer to give her a backrub hoping that will warm her up
b. pop in that DVD featuring Swedish twins in a vat of cream
sauce
c. huff angrily telling her your penis is not someone who should
be kept waiting
d. rant, rave…then set the drapes on fire
6. A pretty girl walks by and your girlfriend
catches you looking, you…
a. look into your girlfriend’s eyes and tell her how beautiful she is
b. say, “Hey, isn’t that the chic from the Gas-X commercial?”
c. pat her on the hand and say, “Honey, that girl’s got great tits,
but nobody’s got your nose.”
d. spill your ice water on her skirt (hypothermia is easier to deal
with than jealousy)
7. It’s a big game night and she’s in the hospital
with brain cancer…again, You…
a. sit by her bedside (and have a friend tape it for you)
b. tell her that throbbing headache is probably just her period
c. throw a fit and ask her how she could be so selfish
d. find your seat in the sky box and buy a beer. After all,
brain cancer can’t possibly be as serious as Randall
Cunningham's torn ligament.
8. She’s not sure she wants to try anal sex, so
you…
a. respect her wishes and put it out of your mind
b. explain how much she could save per year on birth control
c. call her an “old buttoned-up nookie ninny,” and mean it
d. say, “Aw peanut, I thought all you Alabama girls liked a corn
snake up the poop shoot?”
9. She wants to watch a chic flick, but you had
your heart set on Terminator 2, so you…
a. compromise and rent The English Patient (hey, at least you
get to see an airplane blow up)
b. suggest you settle this matter over a spirited match of arm
wrestling
c. tell her with the utmost seriousness that Meg Ryan movies
give you hives
d. feign death in aisle 6 next to Puppetmaster 5: The
Final Chapter
10. You’ve been together a while and she no
longer gives you oral sex, you…
a. tell her how important it is and how much you miss it
b. grow distant and aloof and spend more time with your
ham radio
c. get caught “doing the nasty” with an old jar of Jiffy
Smooth n' Creamy
d. find yourself “at the office” more and more “filing reports”
with that luscious hunk of woman Miss Patterson
11. You have an orgasm and she doesn’t, so
you…
a. find out what would turn her on the most, then
proceed accordingly
b. pull up the covers and immediately start snoring
c. look at her quizzically, then ask her to make you
a salami sandwich
d. again feign death, this time with real drool
12. Tearfully, she tells you her mother just
died, you…
a. put your arms around her and tell her everything’s going to be
okay
b. hold her hand but find it impossible not think about the Knicks
game
c. jump up and down fist punching the air while screaming,
“Whoooooohooooooo! No mother-in-law! Victory is mine!”
d. huff, roll your eyes, then go make the salami sandwich
yourself
How you measured up
If you chose:
Mostly Answer a.
Wow, you are without a doubt a truly sensitive male. (Keep in mind you may also be a 16th century troubadour, a male nurse, or gay.)
Mostly Answer b.
Don't sweat it, you’re moderately insensitive, but you know where the breaker box is and you have nice biceps.
Mostly Answer c.
You have dirty fingernails and there's a strange smell eminating from your left arm pit, but you know how to fix small appliances without causing any major fires, so your mother loves you.
Mostly Answer d.
Congratulations, you are a completely insensitive male. Do yourself a favor - caste off your clothes, throw yourself into a damp, muddy hole and start flailing you wretched swine. Then, when you're completely repulsive and filth-riddled, call me up, because I think you and I might really have something in common.
