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New Orleans
Real Estate Guide
Spring 2006
"Bunny" Le Flare - Realtor
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Turn of the century living at it's finest! Full southern exposure and open veranda. This historic home boasts an unusual open air master bedroom and livingroom with a full view of up-and-coming Erato Street in the hip Lower Garden District. Comes fully furnished. (Dining room set and comode located in rear under large pecan tree.)
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Bask in the splendor of days gone by in this elegant double-gallery Greek Revival mansion. This important historic home was once owned by local cotton baron Francois Duplantier and is believed to have been visited by both Thomas Jefferson and notorious pirate Jean Lefitte. The slave quarters have been artistically renovated with rusticated stacked brick and the gourmet kitchen boasts two "au plein air" fireplaces. (Roof may need some minor repair)
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Bring your firearms and farm animals! Rent this charming 1920's shotgun complete with combined kitchen and bath, spacious 4 X 6 master suite and authentic southern outhouse. Monthly rent includes street parking, rat baiting package and access to neighbor's goat and chicken pen. Live in a third world country right here in America! (Must love rottweilers and open-pit cooking. Parvo virus and tetnus shots recommended.)
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Gem of a business opportunity! The former "Little Jimmy's Rendering Plant and Tap Room" on bustling Constance Street is now ready for your business license. Complete with three large boiling cauldrons and several tappers, this neighborhood gold mine is priced to sell. Conveniently located next to Wagner's Meats and Big Jenny's Steamy Pies. (Price does not include floor or roof.)
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Live like Scarlet O'Hara in this 19th century beauty! The historic Bienville- DeBustier mansion sits on one lovely cleared acre right in the heart of the Garden District. Once a bustling plantation home flanked with 12 fireplaces, 13 service rooms and several gold leafed ball rooms, with minor repairs and a light dusting, this magnificent palace will shine again in antebellum splendor. (Much of original stucture can be obtained from Army Corps of Engineers Dump Site # 352)
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Delighful camelback in Irish Channel, perfect starter home or retirement cottage.
Tired of the hustle and bustle of uptown? Why not move down to the ol' Mississippi where steam boats and barges are king. This home has a detached kitchen, two detached bedrooms, a luxurious detached livingroom and a bathroom that is so detached it is currently two blocks away on Terpsichore Street. (Detached garage and guest bath are included but have not yet been located)
Beautiful Lakeview split level ready for your family. Just three blocks from the famous 17th Street Canal, this kid-friendly home deserves your attention. Close to schools, shopping, and public transportation, you'll come home in style to this 3 bedroom, two bath charmer. Why not move the kids in today? (May need mold spore removal, gutting, and re-inspection. Do not feed alligator)
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Fantastic business venture in booming Broadmoor! Formerly Miss LaTitia's Poodles of Conviction, this little darling is ready for a welcome mat. Ample parking in the cleared lots east, west, north and south! A/C and heat available (generator included) with original poodle washing stalls and extra plumbing hook ups. (Some organic material and animal remains may need to be cleared as per Heatlth Code # 465.)
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Double your fun! Live in this Lakeview luxury home, or the classic VW Beetle...and it's all right by the levee! This two story honey boasts 4 sunken bedrooms, 2 sunken baths, delux kitchen, sunken levee tub and double sunken car port. The VW includes two removable seats and a cigarette lighter. What are you waiting for? Put on your driving gloves and move in today!
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Renovated Condo! This Riverbend garden home has curb appeal and charm galore. 2 bedroom(?), 2 bath (?) with removable garage and mother-in-law suite. Bring the kids, this one really won't last! (See attached coroner's report, mother-in-law may be included).
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Honey stop the car! Here's your chance to own a piece of history. Beauty Plus Industries is now ready to turn over their keys to a new owner. This New Orleans boomer offers 3,000 sq ft of factory space plus a year's supply of free company overstock. Hang on to your hairspray, this is one honey of a deal. (Please note: Beauty Plus hairnets are not fire resistant and Miss May's Neck Balm has been known to cause swelling in sensitive individuals.)
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Love the smell of pine trees and pecans? Live in the woods right in downtown New Orleans! Why not live in this lovely treed cottage right on the edge of Lakeview? 3 bedrooms adorn this quality home while a gracious living parlor overlooks a quaint bird sanctuary and eco-freindly log pile. Newer tile and appliances throughout. (May need carpeting and/or stump grinder.)
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When in New Orleans don't forget to visit
Leroy's Resale
Offering the finest in pre-owned appliances,
electronics and motor vehicles
This week's specials...
Quality Frigidaire and freezer side-by-side only $149.99. Sealed and ready for delivery.
Delux Sony TV ($129.95) Kawasaki racer ($399.95) Set ($149.00)
Chrysler Sebring. Can't beat it, new tires and wiper fluid! $1,999
Like new Ford Taurus! Price negotiable. Located at St. Eustace Housing Project, (police escort required, or see Leroy for details)
1958 Plymouth Prancer. Vinyl and chrome interior, 350,000 original miles. Some water in carbeurator. Hey, gimme an offer! (Trunk may include several large Pontchartrain red fish.)
The Super Leroy Security System
Don't Miss This Month's Super Leroy Special:
(Only $39.95 per *installation)
*Installation does not include wood, nails, wire hangers, or carpenter's jelly.
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This issue of American Sideshow is
brought to you by Tin Can Willie
Tin Can Willie is a New Orleans institution. He is also a recipient of the city's very first FEMA trailor. If you would like to ask him information about where to find the freshest muffeletta, the tastiest daiquiri, or just the best city building to take a piss on, he can be found any time at FEMA camp #36 (locatad behind St. Joseph Elementary in between the swing set and a gigantic pile of rusty metal). Or just call 1-900-Call-Willie. Collect calls not excepted.
*Do not provoke Tin Can Willie with verbal assaults, loud noises or sudden movements. Also, he should not be prodded with poles, sticks or any stick-like objects as his government sponsered perscription of Lithium has expired.
