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            Hello, Ms. Pepperdine 
                   This Is The
       Fraternal Order of Police…

                              By 
                       Diana Grove
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-“Hello, may I speak with a Ms. Pepperdine please.”

-“Speaking.”

-“Hello Ms. Pepperdine, this is the Fraternal Order of Police calling. How are you this evening?”

-“Well, actually I’m a bit moist from vacuuming the encyclopedia set, but that’s not something I can be charged with is it?”

-“Uh...no Ma’am.  The  reason I’m calling tonight is we here at Precinct 36 are taking up a collection for new police equipment to help keep our neighborhoods safer.”

-“Equipment?” 

-“Yes Ma’am.  State of the art equipment is essential in operating a successful police force.”

-“You mean like guns n’ stuff?”

-“Well…yes, among other things.”

-“Hmm, sounds pretty serious.  How many do you need?”

-“How many guns, oh, quite a few really.  So you see Ms. Pepperdine, any charitable contribution would do.  We recommend a $50 or $100 donation to best support our force.  Would you be willing to begin with a $50 donation this evening?”

-“Hmmmm.  Fifty dollars huh, that’s a lot of clams.  I could buy 10 cases of Mallomars with fifty dollars.” 

-“Well Ma’am, like I said, any contribution would help.”

-“Jeez, you know what kind of fun a girl like me could have with 10 cases of Mallomars?  I could have a party in the back yard…with a tent…and balloons, and maybe even monkeys.  In fact, I could rent a whole pack of monkeys.  And they could serve drinks.  You know, like Pineapple Punch and Shirley Temples.”

-“Uh Ma’am, I’m not sure what monkeys have to do with keeping our neighborhoods safe.”

-“Oh you’d be surprised, monkey’s can be taught to do anything.  They can even shoot a gun if they have to.  They can solve all kinds of crimes too, like money laundering and mail fraud.  I’m quite sure of it.”

-“No offense Ms. Pepperdine, but there is no way a monkey could take the place of a trained police officer, otherwise we would have tried it, believe me.”

-“Ok, let me ask you this.  Have you ever seen a monkey bath a cat?”

-“Ms. Pepperdine!” 

-“What?  Are you saying that someone who bathes cats can’t properly enforce the law?”

-“Look, Ms. Pepperdine, I really don’t have time for this.  I’m simply asking for a little help from the force, that’s all.”

-“Oh and I want to help, I really do.  I mean, I could send a little bit of mad money I guess, as long as it doesn’t cut into my  Bingo kitty,  because every Saturday night I gotta play –  that's no joke.” 

-“Ms Pepperdine I really don’t need to know about your gambling habits, I’m just asking for a little donation…”

-“Alright, alright, let me ask you this?  If I shoot you a fiver do you think you could send me a billy club or something?”

-“A billy club?  No.”

-“What about some pepper spray…or a handful of bullets?”

-“Absolutely not.”

-“Ok, what if I sent you a cake with a file in it.”

-“Ms. Pepperdine, your supposed to send that to the inmates!”

-“Oh, that’s right.  Ok, forget that, I think I’ve figured it out.  I send you a check for five dollars and you send me a complimentary police badge.  You know, so I can do a little crime fighting of my own.  ‘Cause I know a couple of boys around here that I would just love to arrest.  And not just because they’re low class or anything, but because they’re just plain low down, no-good criminals and they smell foul.  You know, like wet meat.” 

-“Pardon me?”

-“You heard me, wet meat.  You know, like when you leave a pot roast out in the rain.”

-“Ms. Pepperdine, in all of my years on the force I have never been as annoyed as I am right now.”

-“Really?  Does that mean you’ll send me the badge?”

-“No.”

-“What about the bullets?”

-“No.”

-“One bullet?”

-“Good night Ms. Pepperdine.”

-“Wait…did I ever tell you what a monkey can do with a bearded collie and a bucket of Ajax?”

-click...

-“Ok, how about a folding chair and a bag of angle worms...Hello?”