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Head Tumors
and
Belly Worms
Your Guide To Home Healing
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The following homeopathic guide was compiled in 1933 by the infamous country doctor, Elmer Schwinghammer. His intention was to free the American family from the shackles of modern medicine by supplying them with practical advice and a grass roots knowledge of home healing. Using natural and easily obtainable ingredients, this simple guide was designed to help the layman cure anything from a heart attack to a simple case of worms.
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Dr. Schwinghammer's Guide
To Clean Living and Rapid Health
Third Degree Burns (or More)
When you’ve burned yourself so badly on the tractor engine that your skin sticks to the metal, you’re probably looking at a third degree burn. Fourth, fifth and sixth degree burns are generally reserved for welding mishaps, house fires, and Hell’s eternal damnation. Third degree burns are painful and heal slowly, but I’ve often found that * second-hand pain can be a quick and easy method of relief.
*second-hand pain, i.e. dropping a hammer on your foot or stabbing yourself with pinking shears - anything that creates a distraction to the burned area.
After a burn victim has stopped weeping and wailing and carrying on like a damned fool, immediately shock the system by immersing the burn in ice ater. After a good soaking, wrap the affected area with bacon and a knee sock. This isn’t always the best method, particularly during the summer months. An effective alternative is this gooseberry salve.
Dr. Elmer’s Gooseberry Salve For Burns
1 pound fresh gooseberries (seeded)
1 cup Elmer’s Glue
¼ cup white petrolatum (packed well)
¼ cup Dixie's Hoof Softener
Blend all ingredients, smear on sock, carefully apply to wound.
Worms
(Telltale sign: craving dirt and/or steamed cabbage)
Worms are embarrassing and uneconomical. Intestinal worms can go throught a meal of beef stew faster that you can say "pass the can opener." There are many age-old remedies to eradicate the belly of worms. One favorite involves eating large amounts of library paste. Another recommends running around a lot. But the most practical approach to vermifuge (ie a worm's slow boat to China) is almost always best, sipping gasoline from a straw while reading Revelations.
Massive Contusion
In cases of massive contusion (i.e. falling down the quarry or getting in the way of the ol’ man when he’s feelin’sprightly) one can do several things. Always dress the wound in a matching color. A black and blue sweater or scarf does nicely. Also, never poke the affected area, at least not too hard. Never pick any ensuing scabs, unless they’re just screaming out at ya’. Apply something cold, a recently caught flounder works well, so does frozen corn. Refrain from name-calling and collect calls which just upset the relatives.
Sinking Spell
(A general feeling of poorness)
A sinking spell is something one claims to have when there’s not enough gin in the house. The only solution is to go directly outdoors and brush the horse.
Depression of the Brain
(A fancy version of the sinking spell)
When visiting the barn animals and reading the Bible don’t help a sinking spell, then one is surely dealing with a depression of the brain. Modern science claims this disorder is caused by mismatched neurotransmitters and other forms of faulty wiring. If the sufferer attempts to bath with the clock radio or clear his thoughts with the gas range, you know troubles a brewin’. Tent revivals, inspirational pamphlets and a good talking to must be immediately pursued, otherwise, say a prayer and hide the straight razor.
Unusual Swellings
(Characterized by puffiness and an overall feeling of largeness)
Unusual swelling is really one of the easiest ailments to cure. Rolling around on cracked ice is the most direct method, but economy often points one to the shade of a large tree.
Painful Gas Bubble
Contemporary life often leads to painful gas bubbles, and are often followed by bloating and unusual swelling. One must then resort to loud singing and other silence-masking devices (i.e. book-dropping, flagrant corn-husking or random hollering.) Fortunately, there’s a home remedy for just about everything, including the bilious bubble.
Dr. Schwinghammer’s Gas Dispeller
1. Manually decompress the large intestine without disturbing the spleen.
2. Take a long walk in the woods
3. Try to remember what in hell you ate last and never do
THAT again.
Heart Attack
By far one of the worst heart conditions around. A heart attack can really slow a person down, especially if it’s fatal. The first thing to remember when someone has an ensuing attack is to calm down for God’s sake, no one can call for help if they’re doing the “I gotta’ go potty” dance and dial emergency at the same time. The second thing to do is completely disrobe the victim. This allows the body to breath and get a little last minute color for the viewing, just in case they don’t make it. Lastly, check the vital signs. If there aren’t any, you can slow down and stop frettin’ around so much.
The Croup
(Also known as “a grating cough”)
Common with sickly and pathetic children, the croup got its name in jolly old England when Sir Ebekenezer Croup was caught filling the lungs of small children with millet, which everyone knows later turns to phlegm. The croup can also be a side effect from a respiratory infection or excessive pipe smoking. In this case, the child should be placed in a darkened room with a large bundle of kindling and a damp towel, or, simply be forced to set aside his pipe for a time.
Trick Knee
A trick knee is what Grandpa O’Leary had when he fell down in church. He was not, contrary to popular belief, drunk. This troublesome condition is due to a torn kneecap, which is not at all like a popped patella. It is, however, a lot like a slipped disc, if the disc happens to be located in the knee region. A trick knee is an endless source of embarrassment. Particularly if your main mode of transport is walking or even crawling. The knee buckles, giving way to gravity and other unwholesome tricks of nature, leaving the victim a virtual laughing stock. One sure cure is to have the leg removed clean at the hip. A more drastic measure would be to walk with a cane. My suggestion would be to avoid all social situations and daylight in general.
Dyspepsia
(Also known as Stomach Rot)
Dyspepsia is not a tingly, refreshing beverage, although many sufferers wish it were. This nasty condition makes even the most innocent ice cream social a living hell, complete with fire and brimstone and devils dancing the two-step. Improper eating is almost always the cause. Drinking a sheep’s cream whirlie is a fancy, after-dinner treat for many. However, the dyspeptic must be weary and know their limitations. Here is a prescribed daily menu for the troubled stomach.
Breakfast
- 13 saltines
- ½ glass tepid barrel water
Lunch
- 1 hard egg
- 3 cups of lemon juice (to expunge the system)
Supper
- 1 serving bland meat
- ½ cup warm goose milk
- 16 lima beans
Snack
- The 16 lima beans you didn’t eat for supper
Loose Bowel
Loose bowels (a.k.a. the Turkey Trots, the Sluice Goose or the Itinerant Chicken) is the Lord's cure for constipation. In other words, it ain’t pleasant, but it’s good for the pipes. Spicy or highly greased food is often the cause. The layman may simply say “lay off the hot stuff Elmer!” But are loose bowels really a bad thing? Perhaps it’s a greater power helping us purge the system. I tend to think more Americans should have loose bowels. Then we’d be less susceptible to the evils of fast dancing and synthetic undergarments.
If you’ve been thinking nasty thoughts and touching the dirty bits, then certainly a good catharsis is in order.
Dr. Elmer’s Quicker Than Instant Cathartic
1 cup mineral oil
2 Tbs. hot mustard
¾ cup shaved lard soap
Combine ingredients over a hot flame and store in a dark brown bottle for 3 days. Drink slowly then walk with a light step.
Tumors
Although tumors sound scary, they really aren’t any worse than seeing the aged in swimwear. Most country folk develop these fleshy knobs eventually. Some say it’s simple heredity, but my home tests show they’re most likely due to trapped humors and harmless joint leaks. Rather than seeing tumors as stigmas, instead think of them as excellent conversation fodder. Sure, they can sometimes be fatal (i.e. Fatal Brain Tumor) but often they’re just something else for the grandchildren to play with.
Nervousness
Nervousness is acceptable only when one is on fire or being chased by a very large bear. At all other times it must be treated immediately and with much severity. If a nervousness condition is carried to its extreme,
hysteria may quickly ensue. This is often brought on by tight clothing and excessive novel reading. Young girls often fall victim to nervous fits, collapsing on the floor with palpitations, frothings and horrible fancies. Usually, after a lengthy display of dramatics one finds the cause is nothing more than a lack of ice cream or a shortage of kittens to pet. In cases like this, a severe haircut will often temper a wild mood as will a lengthy game of cribbage. Nervousness can also be attributed to “womb trouble.” This is something that happens to women when the moon is waning and all the shoe stores are closed. This, and all conditions associated with jangled nerves, can be quelled by a simple tonic.
Simple Nerve Tonic
- 1 cup gin
- 1 cup tap water*
*use water to lightly spritz the forehead and neck, or set aside for a future
denture soak.
Boils
A boil may look ugly and frighten the children, but it’s nothing that can’t be poked into submission with a stick or a hot lance. A boil is caused by a buildup of harmful internal vapors and evil humors due to skipping Sunday service. Back in medieval times, boils were thought to be a sign of witchcraft. If a girl was found with a boil on her nose, the townsfolk would gather around, anointing her with jasmine and sweet myrrh, then promptly stone her to death at the local quarry.
