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         Fernando 
    The Man Dog
                      
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                    by
              Diana Grove

      Look into my eyes.  Go on, look.  You find me mesmerizing don’t you?  Soon you will have no will of your own, you will be completely under my spell. 
      Why?  Because no one can resist the Man Dog.  Let me tell you how you will succumb to me.  
      My seduction will begin early in the morning.  After sharing a delicious bowl of horse kibble we will spend hours making love in my Man Dog den.  It will be filled with the scent of squirrel meat and rain-soaked tennis balls. And, just for you, my grey love blanket will be damp and clingy like the behind of an Andalusian terrier.  There is no denying it, after experiencing the joys of the Man Dog, you will frolic and sing with extreme pleasure. 
      After many nights of Man Dog courtship, we will raise our heads and bay at the moon.  Then, we will gnaw the tail of a wood foul, as it will be nestled quietly in a corner next to a squeaky toy shaped like a double-patty hamburger.
      Do you still doubt me?  Do you doubt I will make your knee caps quiver uncontrollably like so many French poodles encountering a mastiff? Do you doubt I’ll make you crave bestial positions of love?  Do you doubt I’ll pee on the living room rug in anticipation of a quick, yet spirited leg hump? 
      Wild beast love and sumptuous treats are tempting, you say, but what else does the Man Dog have to offer?  Let me tell you. 
      After licking the interior of each others ears, we will fall into a deep slumber while twitching our hindquarters.  At this point, and with no prompting, we will awaken and begin immediately to bite at fleas.  Then, after several moments of random sniffing, I will be aroused by the smell of a German Shepherd three miles away and I will wildly chase my tail. 
      Finally, when my doggish legs exhaust my mannish torso, I will collapse into a pile on your luscious lap (only after making three to four perfect circles - one clock-wise and three counter clockwise.)
      How can we spend day after day in such splendor you ask?  But I haven’t even told you the best part.  The best part…involves running.  And not just running but skipping too.  Often times through fields of grass.  Tall grass. 
      And there’s more.
      After running, skipping and flitting about like fripperous beasts, we can then wind down by rolling in the feces of raccoons and sugar bats.  The wind will blow through our fur and the sun will shine on our damp, runny noses and finally you will realize what you’ve been missing all these years. 
      Following this splendor, what, my love, will we dine on to restore our energy?  Why the skin of woodchucks.  And if that doesn’t please you, then we’ll ransack a garbage can for old tuna spines and bacon wrappings (which we will promptly regurgitate, then re-eat). 
      It will be a good life, you’ll see.
      Oh, did I mention chasing.  There will be lots of chasing.  Chasing squab cats, chasing forest goats, chasing wild horehounds.  In fact, we will expunge all of our energies in pursuit of the perfect chase.  And if we are unable to find any wild creatures to engage us, then we will simply sit back in a cavalier fashion and nip at corn flies.
      So, come with me.  Forget the trappings of the human man.  Can he chase a rabbit up a catalpa tree?  Can he consume a whole bag of pigs’ ears in one sitting?  Can he nuzzle your head bone with his dewey nose hole?  Can he lick his own behind with his leg over his head and still spot a flying squirrel at 50 paces?  I think not.
       Look into my eyes and succumb.  You cannot resist the Man Dog.

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   This issue of American Sideshow is brought to you by...

                         Joe - The Humiliated Frat Boy

Make no mistake, Joe is 100% intoxicated.  In his unconscious state, Joe has been the spokesman for such eminent magazines as "Knitters Corner," "Chair Caning Weekly," and "Everybody Loves Ferrets."  Before unwittingly sponsering this week's issue of American Sideshow, Joe visited three keggers, one deb mixer, four dorm-stormers, two off-campus cocktail parties and at least a half dozen back seat swiggeramas.  Next week Joe will be launching the first edition of "Crochet World" where his humiliation is rumored to involve ski rope and a bottle of Nair.