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Stereotyping Women:
A Guy’s Guide
by
Diana Grove
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Do you ever think you keep dating the same girl over and over again? Well guess what, you probably are, she just keeps showing up in different Chryslers.
What’s happening is you’re attracted to a female stereotype and you don’t even realize it. Sure you’re aware you’re only turned on by blonds with ovoid craniums or small-eared women with long toes. But did you know you have a thing for “psychotic cheerleaders” or “ball busting Kewpie dolls”?
It’s true. So read the following and pay attention, you may learn something about yourself. Or just print out this article, fold it into quarters and use it as a beer coaster, I don’t care. I’m the “The Girl Next Door” plus “The Nympho” – so ultimately, I’m easy.
The Party Chic
This girl knows where all the good drugs are and she looks great in a mini skirt. She’s a total blast until she pukes in all four of your cup holders…again.
The Psycho
She’s actually The Party Chic, but with a lot more weaponry. Sure she’ll be great in the sack, but eventually she’ll stalk you, threaten to kill your dog, then throw steak knives at your privates. She may even cut your cable wire on game day.
The Girl Next Door
She’s what every guy wants after he gets bored banging the head cheerleader behind the goal post. Why? Because she’s pretty and can bake brownies like Julia Child in a g-string. And if you ever get tired of her, there’s always the girl next door to The Girl Next Door.
The Cheerleader
You know the type: blonde, chesty, chit-chatty, and perfect in every way except when it comes to shutting up. Despite the fact that she’s an expert doing a kick split on Astro Turf, this girl is mortally afraid of your penis.
The Tom Boy
The Tom Boy is great company at ball parks, monster truck rallies, and pretty much anywhere Budweiser is served tepid in a paper cup. Don’t give her a lacy negligee for her birthday though; she’ll just use it to detail her pick-up truck.
The Ditz
This girl is appealingly whimsical until she looses your sports car in the airport parking lot…and the keys. Oh, she’ll apologize until she’s blue in the face, but that won’t stop her from loosing your racing bike, your rent check, your class ring, your first edition of The Vince Lombardi Story, your leather jacket, your pet skink, and that dirty movie you made of she and her sister (okay, she does have that going for her).
The Socialite
I bet you never thought you’d spend Wednesday night attending a fundraiser for Angina. Well, you’d better get used to it. The Socialite will plan your life down to the minute, and she’ll have absolutely no problem replacing Monday night football with a country club debutante mixer. Her main goal in life is to raise money for the less fortunate then berate them mercilessly for dressing badly.
The Mother
She’ll cut up your food and iron your underwear (only light starch, mind you), and she’ll immediately gain 50 pounds the moment you buy her a wedding ring…guaranteed!
The Dishrag
You can wine and dine this girl, fly her to Paris, and even learn to tango. It doesn’t matter – she’ll still just lie there during sex like she’s waiting for the embalming fluid injection.
The Ball Buster
When you see old men carrying purses and trailing behind their wives in the girdle section, you know they married a Ball Buster. She’ll tell you what to do, when to do it, then tell you again in case you forgot. If you get hooked up with one of these women you will no longer have your own life. You might just as well sell yourself off to a white slave ring in Malaysia. At least there you’ll have your own private shack and you won’t have to spend Sundays shopping for support hose.
The Nympho
Every guy thinks he wants a nympho until he finds out she’s screwing the mailman, the meter man, the grocery boy, the pool guy, the neighbor, the other neighbor, the scout leader, the pastor, and 5 out of his 6 brothers…then he somehow feels differently.
The Kewpie Doll
Even women cringe when they meet the Kewpie Doll. She’s the one who uses baby talk on the bartender when she’s ordering her third Pink Squirrel. She is hopeless when it comes to babies, tiny dogs and the color mauve. Also, (and I can’t stress this enough) watch out for her ability to turn the average bachelor pad into something even Liberace would find tacky. Your Lazy Boy sofa will suddenly be covered in pink lace and lots and lots of little pillows.
The Saint
The Saint is sometimes confused with The Mother, she just has nicer ankles. Here’s a girl that will always be there to help out. Whether it’s taking in the homeless or feeding stray cats; she’s gung ho and ready to heal the world. This can get a little annoying after a while, especially when you find a homeless guy named “Captain Zarton from Planet 9” living in your hallway.
The English Teacher
This girl is great to have around the house, particularly if you like cross word puzzles and can’t find the dictionary. The English Teacher is always an interesting conversationalist because she likes to read…all the time. In fact, she’ll most likely be reading when you meet her (and while you’re eating dinner, watching movies, attending a concert, and having sex).
The Know It All
Remember that little girl who sat in the front row and always had her hand up? You know, the one who was “absolutely positive” that Boise was the capital of Iowa. Well, she’s all grown up now, and when you date her, she’ll be sure to point out all kinds of interesting facts. Like your argyle socks aren’t from Argyle at all, but from a little-known region in northern Scotland named Loch Linnie. Just smile and nod even though you know damn well they were made in a sweat shop in Taiwan.
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But most women aren’t that simple. They’re complex – like a mixed drink or a math equation. In fact, more often than not, stereotypes are a combination of personality traits. Two characteristics are added together to create either fantastic equations or horrifying hang-overs. Check out some of the wicked stereotypes below and see how many you’ve dated.
The Psycho + The Party Chic =
A lethal dose of sex, drugs and the inability to end an evening
without drawing blood or throwing your stereo speakers out the window.
The Cheerleader + The Dishrag =
Luscious rack, lousy lay. It’s never worth the $79.95 is costs to take her out to dinner.
The Tom Boy + The Know It All =
Freaking intimidating! She’s a crack shot with a spot welder and have you seen her change a carburetor?
The Kewpie Doll + The Psycho =
A psychotic knife-thrower who will stab you in your sleep because you moved her Holly Hobby pillow.
The English Teacher + The Nympho =
Every guy’s wet dream.
The Girl Next Door + The Mother =
Can you imagine? What could be better than doing the girl next door plus her mother.
The Ditz + The Socialite =
Quick, hide Grandma’s china! She’ll invite 300 fundraisers into your backyard then drop a gravy boat on the governor’s shoe.
The Saint + The Nympho =
A girl who volunteers for Meals On Wheels, then blows you in the back seat next to the tuna casserole.
The Ball Buster + The Know It All =
Your future wife.
