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           Speed Dating 
 With Chippy and Dodd  

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        Join American Sideshow's intrepid advice columnists as they explore the fickle world of speed dating in Omaha's beautiful downtown Hilton.

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      "Now Chippy, there are going to be a lot of really nice ladies at this speed dating convention tonight, so I don't want to hear anything foul coming out of your mouth, do you understand?  I still haven't forgiven you for ruining my last date with that nice McPhearson girl."
      "Look, that broad was as hot as a three-dollar pistol, but she was loose in the bean.  A putty head like you wouldn't a known what to do with her.  I would 'a had her lung hammock off before you could say 'pass the pretzels.'
      "You see, that's exactly what I'm talking about.  You can't go for one minute without being nasty and off-putting, even Mother says so."
      "Dodd, your relationship with Mother gives me the leaping heebies.  What you really need to do is to meet a girl with some nice 5-pound melons and a huge load a hay, see?  Someone who's gonna show us a good time and not put the freeze on when I wet my goozle on her knee caps."
      "Frankly, I don't want your goozle wetting itself anywhere near me.  And now that you mention it, I really don't appreciate you giving me advice about anything right now.  I mean, you were wrong about the iridescent hair pomade.  You said it would help get me dates, but it didn't do anything except attract flies." 
      "To be honest Dodd, your hair is more bewildering than a three-legged nun in a whorehouse, and your approach to women is in the soup.  You're worthless and you wouldn't know how to get your banana peeled if I drew an elaborate, 4-tier diagram."
      "You don't know what your talking about.  What about Sharon?  I suppose I didn't have a healthy three-year relationship with her?"
      "Dodd, she worked at the post office.  You bought stamps from her.  She didn't even know your name."
      "She did too know my name, and she always had the wood duck stamps set aside special because she knew how much I liked them.  You're always trying to ruin everything for me.  You just can't stand to see me happy, can you?"
      "Are you kidding, I live to make you happy.  Now why don't you pull up your pants a little higher, I can only make out half the circumference of your mungy nut bag."
      "Chippy!  Oh never mind, let's go inside and see what the girls look like."
      "Great, I thought we were going to stand around the parking lot all night swatting at carpet knats."
      "Well, if you act up again you can be sure we will."
      "Hey Dodd, is my sock straight?  I hope them dames are hot cause I'm as hard as Japanese geometry.  No joke, I could toss rope right on the grill of that Pontiac if a breeze blew right."
      "Chippy…I'm warning you."
      "Ok, ok.  Hey look, I hope you got enough pocket cabbage, I've heard these speed dating sessions can get pretty pricey, and now is not the time to get all squeeze-ass on the cash flow."
      "Enough!  Now straighten your bow tie."
      "Jeez Dodd, is that a polyester shirt?  You look like 10 pounds of shit in a 5-pound bag.  I haven't seen anyone look more child molesterish since Fred Rodgers was canned for fondling that goddamn hand-cat."
      "There is absolutely nothing wrong with this shirt.  I won it last year in the Rotary Club Scrabble-Off.  I beat Morry Fernblatt with the word 'hasenpfeffer."  And don't worry about the tickets, Mother bought them weeks ago.  I told her I'd pay her back by lopping the hedge row."
      "That's not all you'll be lopping if I have any say in it.  Did you see that broad over there by the potted plant? Latch yer lashes on that cowhide.   Now if that ain't whistle bait I don't know what is!"
      "Chippy, keep it down.  People are starting to stare."
      "Oh don't have kittens.  Ya' gotta learn to relax.  Follow my lead and you'll be in the pink in no time.  Now drag your sorry ass over to those Able Grables and watch how the big boys do it."
      (Chippy and Dodd amble over to a group of girls across the convention hall.)
      "Jesus Dodd, don't be so nervous, they're just broads.  Now let me out of yer pocket so I can get all sociable-like."
      "There, that's better.  'Hey, Hi there Toots, any a you girls had a pap smear lately?'"
      "Chippy!"
      "What, I was just asking the lovely ladies here if they were up to date on their shots and what not."
      "You're going to have to excuse me ladies, my little friend Chippy here just hasn't been the same since, uh… his puppy was hit by a car.  You know, kinda funny in the head.  Come on Chippy, I'm taking you to the soda machine."
      "Dodd, why did you peel me away from those girls, I was making headway.  I could have knocked 'em ass over teacups if you'd given me half a chance. What about all the speed dating?  Will you look at the blue-veiner I've got!"
      "I've had it. You've completely humiliated me and we've only been here a few minutes. I'm going to tell Mother you've ruined yet another one of my special nights.  First it was setting my James Brolin poster on fire, and now this."
      "Dodd, you're suffering from a major case of cranial rectalitis.  I did not set your James Brolin poster on fire.  I simply turned it into a gigantic paper airplane and shot it Kamikaze-style into a large woodpile…which just so happened to be on fire."
      "And how is that now setting it on fire?"
      "Dodd, you're wearing me out like the nuts on a squirrel car.  If you'd just let me talk to some of these girls I could land you some sweet hootchie in no time, then you wouldn't have to spend another night eating a box of carmel Kadoodle and biting your pillow."
      "That's it.  We're going home!  When Mother hears about this she is not going to be happy!"
      "Jesus Christ Dodd, keep it down.  People are starting to wonder why you're wandering around a convention hall with X-Ray glasses and a hand puppet."
      "They are not!  What they're appalled at is your mouth!"
      "Dodd, face it.  You're a five-star general in squadron McLoserton.  You haven't been layed by anyone other than old Mr. Left Hand in years - quite frankly, it really blows my hair.  And you wearing Mother's underwear is starting to give me the creeps."
      "I do not wear Mother's underwear."
      "Yes you do!"
      "No I don't."
      "Dodd, they have ruffles."
      "Just two rows."
      "Look Dodd, you're a pathetic ninny that wouldn't know a moist beaver from a bucket of minnows.  Now enough with all the chin-jaw, let's high-tail it out a here so you can buy me an ice cream and a Jack Daniels."
      "...Yes sir."