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                   Toe Jumps and 
                  Camel Spins:
           The Susan and Todd Story
                              
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                              by
                        Dan Burt

Susan and Todd believe in love at first sight.

"That might sound strange considering how long it took Todd to notice me," Susan said. "Sure, we were skating partners throughout college, but I wanted to take our relationship to the next level." 

So Susan surprised Todd during the couple's most important skating competition: the Oktoberfest Leap for the Peaks Skating Extravaganza in Salt Lake City, Utah.

"After sampling several steins of the local ale, I decided to make a bold move," Susan said.  "I modified my costume just before we skated out to begin the show."

"Yes,” Todd said, “Would you believe the little vixen removed her panties and was completely nude under her dress.  I lifted her above my head, looked up, and found myself peering right into Squaw Valley.  I must say, I’d never seen anything like it, but I was intrigued by the view."

Although Todd was visibly shaken during the program, the couple won the competition with perfect scores despite numerous falls from an inebriated and splay-legged Susan. 

The other competitors filed a protest, citing the judges’ overt display of drunkenness, masturbation, and high-fives.  The judges refused to consider the objection.

Inspired by the sight of Susan’s poonany, Todd developed a vagina fetish and created many of the couple’s most memorable pantyless skating routines including “Clit for Tat,” “Poon River,” and “Labia Lullaby.”  Though critically acclaimed by skating professionals, sadly, the routines were rarely accepted by family audiences.

“I think we were ahead of our time,” Susan said.  “But I was proud to suffer for my art.  Some nights it was so cold, I skated with two pairs of chapped lips.”

The skating community ostracized Susan and Todd after an interview disparaging Dick Button and Dorothy Hamill.  Apparently, they implied the skaters were involved in both the Nancy Kerrigan assault and Nicole Simpson murder.

“Frankly, that’s the best thing that ever happened to us,” Todd said.  “I was free to push the skating envelope in a new, creative direction and away from Susan's chapped cat flaps.”

After awhile, Todd created the Leather and Ice Revue, an S&M bondage spectacular featuring an all-male skating ensemble starring Susan as the skating drag queen, Hildegarde.  After fifteen years the show is still performed at Adult Movie Awards, Living in Leather conventions and many Republican fundraisers.  When not on the road with the revue, they manage an ice rink at the local mall.

Often asked about the secret to their longevity as a couple, Susan says, “I believe it’s fate.  Though we’re not technically ‘married’ or ‘living together’ and Todd shares a one-bedroom apartment with Scott Hamilton, the lead skater in the Leather and Ice show, I do believe we are meant to be together forever.”

Todd smiles and pats her hand, “Yes.  That’s nice dear.”

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Dan Burt lives in Alabama with his wife and two sons.  He is the creator of the humor web site www.CaptainCanard.com.  Dan enjoys reading, writing, and collecting vintage Canadian beaver pelts.  He is also a vagina fetishist with a penchant for pearl diving and vulva fluffing.  In his spare time, he works for the federal government.

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