Corporal Diana Grove from the 101st Ranger Division died in Iraq last week after an accident that is still under investigation by Army police.
According to Lt. Brian Granger, Corporal Grove was changing a tire on a Humvee in Tikrit when it suddenly exploded, firing a lug nut directly into her left nasal cavity. Severely wounded, she stumbled on her boot lace, simultaneously knocking over a gas container and triggering a nearby M-16, causing the vehicle to ignite.
After a valiant attempt by Granger to extinguish the flames, Corporal Grove succumbed to her wounds and was pronounced dead at the scene.
Grove was deployed to Iraq after 6 1/2 weeks of training at Fort Jackson in South Carolina. She had been on active duty for less than two weeks when the accident occurred.
Lt. Granger claimed he struggled to save her, “I tried putting her out with a canvas tarp, but she just wouldn’t stop jumping around. It was weird, it seemed like the more I tried to put out the flames, the bigger they got. It was almost like her flak jacket was made out of toxic marshmallows or something. Believe me, when a Humvee ignites, they go up like a Festiva in a forest fire and anyone within a 5-foot radius is toast. I mean, it’s like…whhooooosh. She was a good soldier though. She could change a tire in under 3 minutes, and I’m pretty sure that’s a record for a female blue-head.”
Corporal Grove is survived by her husband Todd Grove who lives in New Orleans. He claims she enlisted “because she felt sorry for President Bush getting such terrible approval ratings for the war in Iraq. It really killed her that everyone was saying he’s the worst president of all time. All she wanted was to serve her country and get back at the Iraqi terrorists who were responsible for 9/11. What can I say, she was a great American and I don’t know how this country is going to survive without her.”
Mr. Grove said despite her enthusiasm, the brief tour of duty was taxing on his wife. “She wrote long letters home complaining about the bad food, the uncomfortable shoes and the lousy hours. She was also upset about being stationed in Tikrit because she specifically requested ‘lush, tropical greenery’ on her Army application form.”
Despite the fact that Corporal Grove’s remains withstood a gasoline fire exceeding 1,500 degrees, her husband is insisting on an open casket. “She was old-fashioned, she would have wanted it that way. She’ll be buried in her uniform holding her favorite buck shot rifle and a bible, just like her grandfather, with red, white and blue carnations and an American flag folded into a triangle laying over her heart.”
Funeral services were originally to be held at Dignity Mortuary in New Orleans, but due to a serious fly and mold spore problem it has been relocated to the Army Corp parking lot at the corner of Loyola and Girod.
The wake will be held at the Grove residence at 10 a.m. on August 1st followed by burial at *Garden of Memories on Airline Highway.
Instead of sending flowers, Mr. Grove is requesting donations to be sent to two of his wife’s favorite organizations, the N.R.A and Big Sisters of America.
*Because of budgetary cuts due to hurricane Katrina, Garden of Memories is currently lacking qualified gravediggers. Any volunteer service would be greatly appreciated. Must be able to lift over 200 pounds and work Sundays. Shovel not required.
Corporal Diana Grove, "Up in heaven, fighting the
good fight with our Lord and Saviour."
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And in response to the July death of Corporal Diana Grove...
Rememberances of Diana,
Eulogies For a Fallen Soldier
It just saddens my ass that my favorite cousin died. I remember the time we went skinny dipping. Well, actually, I snuck up on her when she was swimming in the river and it scared her so bad she beat me unconscious and left me lying naked in some poison oak. I woke up with my crotch itching something fierce. I ran home and Granny rubbed some calamine lotion on my rashy nads while I thought of Diana. I still consider it the best day of my life: seeing my cousin naked and getting a handjob from Granny.
-Cousin Wendell
Diana loved nature and would spend hours wandering through the arboretums. I remember one time we were strolling along, enjoying the sounds of the forest when, all of a sudden, Diana shot a woodpecker out of a tree with a blowgun from fifty yards. I have no idea where she was hiding that blowgun.
-Aunt Delores
I remember "Bear." I was the only one that ever called her that. I was with her when she was trying out some new archery equipment in the Smokey Mountains National Park. She was itching to shoot something and was getting pissed when she couldn't find any bears. I told her they were hibernating. That seemed to piss her off even more. She found a cave, marched in, and dragged out this big, black bear. She then commenced to slapping him around a little bit. The bear was dazed, not sure what was happening. I grabbed ahold of Bear (Diana) and calmed her down while the bear (black) made his escape. There's something strangely erotic watching a grown woman beat a bear's ass. To this day, I have an ursine S & M fetish.
-Otis, friend
Corporal Grove was a trooper. She set the overall record on the confidence course, beating the best men's time by 19.4 seconds. Unfortunately, there was the incident on the firing range involving archery equipment and a blowgun. Three shots, three kills (two arrows, one dart). From a hundred yards away, in the mess tent serving international trainees. She wiped out what was left of the coalition of the willing.
-Sergeant Sam V., drill sergeant
I remember the night Diana was crowned Miss Green Zone. She came out wearing this sexy calico dress. For the talent competition, she changed all four tires on a jeep in 71 seconds. She belonged on a Nascar pit crew.
-Private Doyle N.
The only reason she won was because celebrity judge Jamie Farr was wearing the same dress. She had to score low on the cooking portion of the contest. Most of the taste judges became ill after eating some of her napalm pie.
-Lieutenant Maria L., Miss Green Zone 2003-05
I would consider it an honor to dig the grave of an American hero. I'll even throw in my other services at a discounted rate: ensuring the body ain't alive, filling the grave with dirt just dug, ensuring no loitering around the grave for up to 30 minutes after burial.
-Clem
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"Rememberances of Diana" is a trademark of Dan Burt International. No part of these eulogies may be reproduced without written permission by Dan Burt or a Dan Burt associate. Exceptions include quotes or reviews by Gravedigger Quarterly, Bowhunting and Quailskinning, and the Army Reserve Newsletter. Dan Burt's head can be found at CaptainCanard.com
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