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Demetrius Chilblain:
Metaphysical Accountant
Part II
by
Diana Grove
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This issue we continue our 100% true correspondence between wack-job accountant "Demetrius Chilblain" (your's truly) and "Normis Investment Consultants" (an African Internet fraudster who is dead set on robbing me of $2,357 and 8 cents).
Will Demetrius find the funds to cover the hefty "work permit fee" and launch a new career in high-seas accountancy? Will his therapy sessions with Dr. Fussberger help him overcome his unreasonable fear of cephelopods? Will Mrs Chilblain contract syphilis while bunking with 350 sailors from Woolwich?
Read on to see if Normis Investments succeeds with yet another cyberheist and blows their booty on DeBeers diamonds and Ethiopian hookers.
It's a dangerous world out there folks...don't say we didn't warn you.
To Read "Demetrius Chilblain:Metaphysical Accountant Part I" click here
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Subject: I am so sorry
Date: 11/2/06 9:32:39 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Sir Hall Esq.
I’m sorry I have not been in contact with you. The truth is, I’m quite sure I’ve missed the MV Hamm deadline and I fear Normis will no longer want to hire me. Is it possible they have gone off to sea without the ship’s chief accountant? If so, how would they manage the log books and keep track of the rum barrels and deck swabers?
I know I should have sent the 330 pounds for the work permit by now, especially since I just received a large inheritance from my wife’s mother (an heiress to the Markoff adding machine fortune). In fact, I was on my way to Western Union today, when I had a sudden panic attack right in the middle of a busy street. I should have mentioned it earlier, but I was afraid Normis Consultants wouldn’t be interested in hiring me.
You see, I’ve always had a pathological fear of cephalopods. It’s true. I have such ferocious nightmares about deep sea squid I often awake with chattering teeth in pools of sweat. I imagine their fierce tentacles squeezing my organs and their evil suckers pulling the flesh right off my bones.
So, before I can fully commit to the job for Normis, I feel I must come to terms with this issue. I must find out if on the high seas I will at any time be in the presence of The Great Sea Squid. I shall draft a letter to Normis immediately and demand a swift response.
(Please forgive this display of weakness. I assure you I am a man of courage in all other fields, particularly long division.)
Yours in haste,
Demetrius Chilblain III
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Subject: Please, Answer An Important Question…
Date: 11/2/06 10:16:39 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Sirs at Normis,
I have two very important questions. 1. Because I missed the deadline, has the MV Hamm already deported? 2. Will I in any way encounter The Great Sea Squid in my job of high-seas accountancy?
Yours in haste,
Demetrius Chilblain III
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Subject: Change Currency
Date: 11/2/2006 4:21:55 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III,
Thank you for the information. I want to let you know that I have contacted the Board of Director of Normis Investment Consultants about your issue. I am happy to let you know they have accepted my apology on your behalf.
I want you to know that you can go ahead making the payment so I can be faster in everything I am doing. Am expecting you kindest and immediate reply today.
Regards,
Guild Hall (Esq)
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Subject: Thank You Kind Sir
Date: 11/3/06 8:47:41 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Barrister,
I still have not heard back from Normis about the Giant Squid issue. I feel it is only right to hold off on payment until I receive confirmation from them that I will in no way come in contact with this dreaded beast of the sea. (To be honest, the very thought of it makes my lip damp and my brow drip.)
I thank you for taking my side on this issue.
Yours in trust,
Demetrius Chilblain III
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Subject: Thank You, Please Be Notified
Date: 11/4/2006 4:10:11 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: normisconsultants@uk2.net
Attention: Demetrius Chilblain
We are still waiting for your TWP submission in order to complete
your traveling documents.
We wish to let you know that for you our launch date has been updated till 20th
of this month.
We hope you understand our position and act accordingly to resume duties
onboard the vessel on the given date.
Regards,
Normis Investment Consultants (NIC)
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Subject: I Appreciate Your Patience With This Matter
Date: 11/5/06 9:52:04 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Sirs at Normis,
I am grateful that you have held the ship for me. I know this must have been difficult and I do hope the seamen weren’t disappointed. I can assure you I am coming to terms with my “problem,” I’m afraid cephalophobia runs in my family. I am undergoing counseling with an excellent therapist who specializes in acceptance therapy. So far I suppose it’s working. Although honestly, my wife is a bit put off by the squid stains on the living room carpet. The therapist insists I remain in the house within close proximity to this horrible creature until my fear has completely subsided. I am instructed to caress and speak softly to the beast three times a day and four on Sunday.
As soon as this phase of the treatment is complete, I will then be ready to strike out and pay the work permit fee.
Yours truly,
Demetrius
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Subject: Urgent From Barrister Chambers
Date: 11/7/2006 4:23:41 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III
I want you to let me know much money u have so I can start doing the process on the documents, and also the date you will complete the remaining payment!
Guild Hall (ESQ)
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Subject: Regarding The Amount
Date: 11/6/06 8:32:08 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Barrister Esq,
My funds exceed $100,000 as I have recently inherited $75,000 from my late mother-in-law. As soon as Dr. Fussburger will allow me to venture out of the house, I will pay the work permit fee. This shouldn’t take too long as I am making vast improvements dealing with my squid fear. I have contacted Normis about my current situation and they we’re kind enough to hold the ship until my therapy session is complete.
Many thanks for your patience in this matter.
P.S. I never knew sea squid could make such loving pets, and they are very low maintenance. All they require is a bucket of krill and three gentle mistings a day.
Yours,
Demetrius
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Subject: Be Fast With The Attorney About Our Time
Date: 11/7/2006 3:43:07 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: normisconsultants@uk2.net
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III
We want to let you know that the Borad of Directors at Normis Investment
Consultants are not happy with you till this moment!
We want you to know that you have to start up your work at Normis
Investment Consultants by today. All the same you have not submited your TWP
to enable us to complete your traveling document so you can work in United Kingdom.
We want to let you know that you have to inform the attorney on how much money
you have at hand. He arsumed you dont have enough.
Let him know how much you have and get back to us immediately!
Normis Investment Consultants (NIC)
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Subject: I’m sorry about the wait but I have great news!
Date: 11/8/06 7:31:49 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Normis,
I apologize about the inconvenience but I have wonderful news! I have successfully completed Dr. Fussburger’s acceptance therapy! It turns out I was completely wrong about cephelopods in general. They aren’t the flesh-ripping, beak-nashing ocean beasts I thought they were. In fact, after a week of kindness and heavy petting, I have found them to be quite charming. So fear not, Demetrius Chilblain is now ready for the high seas!
On another note, I was wondering if it would be possible for my son to join me? He is a merchant marine and currently off duty. I’m sure his presence would be appreciated on board as he holds a full marine license in barnacle removal. He also has quite a few passports (a result of his many rogue overseas adventures, no doubt), which I know will come in handy for our travels.
Yours truly,
Demetrius
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Subject: Three Days Starting From Now!
Date: 11/9/2006 4:01:29 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: normisconsultants@uk2.net
Dear Mr. Demetrius Chilblain
We want to let you know that your sons arrival was approved.
But you have to send the information below to us.
1.) Send your passport
2.) Send your wife passport
3.) Send your son passport
We want to let you know that you have to submit your TWP to us first
before we can move further in processing your traveling documents.
We give you three days in submitting this!!!!
Normis Investment Consultants (NIC)
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Subject: Again, I apologize…
Date: 11/13/06 11:12:53 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Normis,
I understand your urgency and I apologize for missing the three day time limit but I can assure you the delay was for a good reason. You see, my son Demetrius IIII (or “Bill” as we like to call him) has been crafting a multi-compartment sea chest out of rare Ethiopian mahogany and I have been assisting him. This chest will have plenty of room for storing life jackets, whaling guns, sea treasure, rum, and Bill’s extra leg (he lost his in a deck mopping incident last year). I must say, the chest is of the highest quality and quite practical for any seafaring man. In fact, we want to know if you’d like one too.
P.S. Please let us know if you want an engraving of a mermaid or a narwhal on the lid. Bill has quite a knack for fins, so even an exotic snowflake eel wouldn’t be out of the question. Let us know soon. He’s going out to buy more lumber today and the mahogany sells out quickly.
Yours,
Demetrius
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Subject: Get Back To Me Today!
Date: 11/14/2006 7:31:09 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III,
I don’t understand what is going on there. You told me that you have the fee to make the payment, but up till this moment, you have not make the payment!
If you know that you can't make it, kindly contact N.I.C head office on this issue.
I want your personal phone number, so we can talk like able men.
Guild Hall (ESQ)
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Subject: Again, I apologize…
Date: 11/14/06 9:43:06 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Barrister Hall Esq.
I am very sorry for this delay. My son Bill has been having trouble with his prosthetic leg. We also have been very busy hand-crafting all of the sea chests for our journey. But just as soon as we get a new knee flange for Bill’s wooden leg, we will make our way to the Western Union office. (He is the only one in the family who can drive and since he’s missing a clutch foot we’ve been rather house-bound as of late.)
P.S. I’m afraid I have been unable to locate the phone ever since we got our new pet squid “Charlotte.” She seems to be a nervous eater and the new shag carpeting just sets her off. I assure you I will look into the matter.
Thank you for your understanding.
Yours in haste,
Demetrius
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Subject: You Must Get Back To Me Today!
Date: 11/15/2006 3:12:53 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius Chilblain III,
Please note I have been waiting all this while to know if you have made the payment consigning your TWP. I recevied a call from Her Majesty British High Court and we discussed this issue.
Please, I am very busy man. I AWAIT TO HEAR FROM YOU TODAY!
Regards,
Guild Hall (ESQ)
(Principal Partner)
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Subject: A Slight Pickle…
Date: 11/16/06 7:42:13 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Barrister Guild Hall Esq,
I certainly hope I’m not in trouble with Her Majesty’s High Court. I know the Queen is very busy and I wouldn’t want to be any bother to her. If it would smooth things out any, you can tell her I’d be more than happy to prepare her taxes metaphysically. That should give her at least a 17% advantage next quarter, which could easily finance another invasion of Granada.
On another note, I’m afraid we’re in a slight pickle over Bill’s leg. It seems it needs a special titanium swing-flange that is only made in Switzerland and is on back order (part number VJS 13-69). Do you think you’d be able to expedite this since you are rather chummy with the Queen? She must have some connections to a Swiss baron or prince that could put in a good word for us.
This is very urgent. If we don’t get that leg we won’t be able to go out and get groceries, let alone the TPW money! Anything you can do will help greatly. Please, we are getting hungry.
Yours in great haste,
Demetrius
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Subject: I Don’t Need This Type Of Email From You Again!
Date: 11/15/2006 4:43:12 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: ghallchamb@yahoo.co.uk
Dear Demetrius,
What kind of human being are you???? Listen Mr, just go to the bank and make the payment and do not to be e-mailing me back with storys everyday!
I am not here to play with you, but rather do my job. If you have a problem with your self, kindly have a talk with your wife and do not be emailing me on it. I will reach N I C about this issue, because I have had too much of you.
If you know that your not ready to make the payment of your TWP, kindly contact N I C immediately and stop emailing me some kind of story. I am telling you this for the last time!
Regards,
Guild Hall (ESQ)
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Subject: Please, Don’t Be Upset…
Date: 11/17/06 4:54:13 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Barrister Hall,
I know my delays have been trouble, but you have no idea how difficult things have been. We live in a very remote area and with Bill’s left leg missing we are unable to leave the house and no one will bring us groceries. I have attempted transcendental hypnotherapy to make dinner appear, but it has proved unsuccessful. If we don’t fix this situation soon, we shall certainly perish. All I’m asking is for you to drop a note to the Queen and maybe send us some cereal.
Please, I’m beginning to feel dizzy…
- D.
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Subject: You May Have Lose Job
Date: 11/18/2006 3:17:09 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: normisconsultants@uk2.net
Attention: Demetrius Chilblain
With respect to the e-mail you send to us consigning Her Majesty High Court and other things in the mail we couldn't understand, Normis Investment Consultants wish to inform you that we are sorry to let you know that you may have lost the Job if you dont know what your doing!
From your statement resently, you sounded like a man who is ready to work with us. But now I am sorry to say that you may have lost our Job offering to you if you don’t get to us in one days time!
Normis Investment Consultants (NIC)
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Subject: Please! I Want To Work For Normis!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date: 11/19/06 7:44:32 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Normis,
Please help us! We are quickly starving to death. All I ever wanted was to be a metaphysical accountant on the high seas, but I’m afraid I have led my family to ruin. I have missed the ship deadline, I have failed to pay the work permit, and I can’t even get in a car to buy my family a chicken dinner. Please, is there anything you can do to help us! I promise I will pay you back in full. Our situation is dire and my mind is fading…I can’t even remember how to carry a three! How can a man who studied under the great Charles T. Churnsworth have failed so miserably?
Yours in rapid depletion…
Demetrius
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Subject: This Is It!
Date: 11/20/2006 8:51:38 A.M. Central Standard Time
From: normisconsultants@uk2.net
Att: Demetrius
You think that your family has fallen inside the well because of Normis Investment Consultants? Your wife is not there to help you, your son is sick again, your Mother in Law is now the king of the house and you yourself are metaphysical? And your now seeking help from N I C?
All of these are a nice story.
Now listen, we have requested your family passport, we have not seen any. We requested your personal house/mobile number, we have not seen any. We have requested the address of the nearest airport, still we have not seen any of these from you. And we make your Visa/flight ticket free for you, and yet your not greatful!?
Now you want Normis Investment Consultants to come down to United States of American and clean up your family for you? And your statement, I can’t even remember how to carry a three! How can a man who studied under the great Charles T. Churnsworth have failed so miserably? What is this meaning?
Kindly wirte a letter to the attorney consigning this issue that you are not ready to work with us.
For the last time, that is all!
Normis Investment Consultants (NIC)
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Subject: Am Fading…
Date: 11/20/06 6:32:54 P.M. Central Standard Time
From: DemetriusTheThird@yahoo.com
Dear Normis,
You’re right, I’m not worthy. I have absolutely no business stepping foot on the MV Hamm. Who was I kidding anyway? I’m just a lowly accountant from Hopewell, Ohio with distended fibuels and cephelopod issues. But still, I want to thank you for all of your time and consideration. Please know I had every intention of donning my sea boots, sharpening my decimal pencil and delving into tax askirtment on the high seas. Alas, that is not to be. I must put my dreams aside and try to locate my wife. I believe she and Bill are in the living room hunting for pizza crusts behind the credenza. Sally forth merry Old England and may your treasures be great!
P.S. Please contact the barrister for me. Tell him Bill and I handcrafted a sea trunk for him, we even engraved a portrait of the Royal Family on the lid. (Bill got the burnishing iron a little too hot so the Duchess of Cornwall looks a bit like George Washington Carver, but other than that, it’s first rate.)
Yours in metaphysical accountancy,
Demetrius Chilblain III
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Squid drawing by Nancy Dorsner
