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Svetlana Petrokov
Secret Agent
Part II
by
Diana Grove
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Welcome to yet another chapter of, "What Kind Of Human Being Are You?!" Turning The Tables On Internet Con Men, a new comedy book by American Sideshow creator and resident con woman, Diana Grove (a.k.a. "The Velvet Kid," "G-Mail McGhee," and "Hey, Numb Nuts, Where's Your Pants?").
Last edition we introduced "Svetlana Petrokov," a fictional chemical engineer, job applicant and former Russian spy. Like the other wack-job characters in the book, Svetlana was created for the soul purpose of annoying the crap out of an Internet fraudstser then driving him to the brink of insanity.
Instead of wasting your time with any more messy introductions, let's just get on with the conclusion, shall we? After all, $2,000 and the fate of Western civilization hangs in the balance.
Will...
- Svetlana destroy the world with her mind-altering compound
Apetheron-X?
- Agent Y's coat lining emit deadly toxins on the sleeper car to
Minsk?
- Boris the space chimp know how to order Chicken Kiev from
room service and will he tip?
(If you missed Part I of Svetlana Petrokov - Secret Agent
don't be a stranger, click here)
It's a dangerous world out there folks
so sit back and enjoy the swindle...
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Subject: I Contacted The Bank
Date: 3/1/07 10:32 A.M.
From: SvetlanaPetrokov@gmail.com
Mr. Cheng,
As you ordered, I contacted Postbank and gave them my account information. I apparently owe a $2,000 Cost of Transfer fee to obtain the funds.
P.S. I do hope they keep my assumed name in the strictest confidence. I wouldn’t want to have to use the cyanide lozenge I keep in the heel of my shoe.
- Dr. S.
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Subject: Update…
Date: 3/1/07 6:43 A.M.
From: robcheng_jiangsutianyin@yahoo.com
ATTN: Dr. S.
Sequel to your mail, we believe the company's funds are in capable hands. We have received a mail that you have been contacted for swift transfer of the said funds into your designated bank account. We are pleased to say that this is a rare achievement and we say thank you in advance.
I will avail myself in Russia immediately when you get the funds transfered.
Sincerely,
Mr. Robert.H. Cheng
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Subject: Boris…
Date: 3/2/07 9:55 A.M.
From: SvetlanaPetrokov@gmail.com
Mr. Cheng,
I’m afraid I’ve had a slight problem with Boris. It seems he’s had a bad reaction to Apetheron-X. The new formula is supposed to calm him and make him despondent, but instead he’s filled with violent rage and it’s taken me three hours just to coax him off the curtain rod. Then he got into my old military bag and ran up to the roof, as you can see in the photo below. If I don’t get his nerves to an appropriate level, I’m afraid I’ll have to start all over again with my research which could take months with a tremendous increase in budgetary funds.
I can assure you, the Hotel Sovietski is none too pleased with all of the screeching and clawing at the walls. Is there any way you could call the front desk (7(095)363-2549) and tell Ivan there is nothing to worry about in room 336. There’s no way they’ll believe I’m a world-famous scientist now after I’ve told them repeatedly I’m a miner for Siberian Coal. This would be a great favor to me Mr. Cheng.
- Dr. Svetlana
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Subject: Please Get On Payment…
Date: 3/5/07 6:21 A.M.
From: robcheng_jiangsutianyin@yahoo.com
ATTN: Dr. Svetlana Petrokov,
We are sincerely sorry for the problem you are having with your research and we do hope you get it over with very soon. I did call the front desk at the Hotel with this number (7(095)363-2549) but to no avail as it keeps saying the number is busy.
I also want to use this opportunity again to say thank you for your profound assurance and we ask that you transfer this funds to your bank account right away so that we can start up the company and you could have more money to offset all your bills at the hotel and relocate.
Reply as soon as possible.
Sincerely,
Mr. Robert.H. Cheng
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Subject: Agent Y
Date: 3/5/07 10:43 A.M.
From: SvetlanaPetrokov@gmail.com
Dear Mr. Cheng,
I must keep this brief as I fear I am in great danger. I spotted Agent Y outside the hotel on Leningradskii Prospect hiding behind a statue of Checkhov. I’m sure it was him because of he was looking shifty and talking into his hat. I know this comes at a very bad time as my research is at its apex, but I feel I must leave town for a few days to elude this deadly foe. Believe me Mr. Cheng, the U.S agents will stop at nothing. Agent Y would not think twice about killing me with radiation, anthrax, or even a tainted bowl of borscht.
To save myself, I will be disguised as a Polish cobbler and retreat to Minsk. When I feel it is safe, I will return and we can conclude our business. I’ve asked a Dutch exchange student in room 367 to water the chimps. Because of his recent behavior, I’ve decided to bring Boris with me. I can now see why he was available at the Space Agency at such a discount. Fortunately, with a little maneuvering I believe he’ll fit quite nicely in my overnight bag.
P.S. I’m including an x-ray of my skull in case things take a turn for the worse. Please note: my mandibular third molar has a secret compartment in case you need to make a positive ID.
Your faithful partner,
- Agent S.
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Subject: What Is Going On Here?
Date: 3/6/07 1:19 A.M.
From: robcheng_jiangsutianyin@yahoo.com
ATTN: Svetlana Petrokov,
In response to your mail, we believe you should have listened to my instructions as to your transferring the money. By now you should have been able to get a safer place for your research and your life especially.
We are beginning to loose some confidence in you and it seems you are not ready to get the funds transferred. The first assignment we gave was to effect the transfer and that you have not done due to one problem or the other. This is not good as it is slowing down the process.
My partner and my friend, we have come a long way and I see no reason for your sudden behaviour.
Reply to me as soon as you are ready to get these things done.
Sincerely,
Mr. Robert.H. Cheng
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Subject: Urgent Developments
Date: 3/12/07 8:12 A.M.
From: SvetlanaPetrokov@gmail.com
Mr. Cheng,
I am deeply ashamed I have let you down. I want you to know this is not in my nature. I was trained at the Department of Weaponry to complete a mission no matter what the outcome. In fact, I once walked through a building burning with Nitrobenzene just to retrieve Brezhnev’s favorite fur hat. This is why my body hair is now synthetic.
I am sorry for this inconvenience, but I must stress how dangerous my situation is. Agent Y followed me on my train to Minsk, so I was forced to take a detour to London. I felt I would be safe in the confines of the company headquarters. In fact, I am at The Newton House on New Bond Street right now, but the woman who answered the door has never heard of Jiangsu Tianyin Chemical Company. Mr. Cheng, how can this be?
Please sir, it is imperative that I see you. I am carrying a vile of Apetheron-X in my coat and I need to get it to you for safekeeping. The mixture is unstable and if I cannot get it to its proper temperature, I’m afraid it will begin to separate. Then all my years of research will be lost and we’ll be in danger of mass revolution. As a life-long Chinaman, I’m sure you can appreciate this dilemma.
Meet me down the street at Wigmore Hall and make sure you are not followed. You’ll know you’re in the correct location when you hear Viktoria Mullova playing an octet in F major. Boris and I will be on the front steps waiting for you. He’ll be in a sunhat and I’ll be in a red wig.
Mr. Cheng, the safety of world lies in your hands.
Your faithful partner and patriot,
Agent S.
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Subject: Disapointment
Date: 3/13/07 12:53 A.M.
From: robcheng_jiangsutianyin@yahoo.com
ATTN: Dr. Svetlana Petrokov,
I am sending you this mail from the Bahamas right now as I travelled two days ago for an opening of a regional office. And again, I and my colleagues are beginning to wonder what kind of a representative you are? You are beginning to get us all scared of the fact that you are always being followed by this Agent Y or whatever.
Your personal problems should not come first before the company's responsibilities. All of this is why you have not been able to effect the transfer and get your 10% as a token for your seriousness and commence the building of the regional office. You were not like this the first time I contacted you.
Already the bank has stated that as a cooperate body they “do not allow sentiments and breach of contracts to get in the way of bank transactions” as it is against the ethics of their rules and regulations.
I sincerely think that at this juncture I will have to terminate your appointment and look for another person who is capable and ready to get the funds transferred so that we can commence the setting up of our regional office in Russia.
We hope that you get your problem solved and probably live a life of freedom.
Sincerely,
Mr. Robert H. Cheng
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Subject: PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!
Date: 3/13/07 9:32 A.M.
From: SvetlanaPetrokov@gmail.com
Mr. Cheng,
CAN’T YOU SEE I AM IN GREAT DANGER? I don’t care that you’re in the Bahamas right now. I need you to stop sipping tropical elixirs out of coconuts and get to London to assist me as soon as possible! If this vial of Apetheron melts, I’m afraid it will be no one’s fault but your own!
I slept on the steps of The Newton House because I was unable to get a hotel room at such short notice. I am now terribly hunched over and Boris is getting testy with the pigeons. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I’m afraid Agent Y may have sprinkled Thallium poison in my shoes on the sleeper car to Minsk. Not only have my fingernails turned blue but the last remnants of my hair have fallen out. And Boris, who has always been robust, is patchy and vomiting Shepherds Pie all over the cobblestones.
PLEASE, I BEG YOU. YOU MUST GET ON A PLANE TO LONDON AT ONCE SO I CAN RECEIVE THE ANTIDOTE BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! Surely you have a dose of Prussian Blue at the company headquarters. It’s the only thing that will save me now. As a loyal employee and daughter of the republic you must come to my rescue! I only have 36 hours before my large intestine liquefies all over New Bond Street!
P.S Agent Y has followed me here to London. I took a snapshot of him with my ballpoint surveillance pen. I must be careful of this man Mr. Cheng, his trench coat is made out of pure uranium.
Your loyal servant,
- Svetlana
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Subject: You Are Acting Like A Crazy Person
Date: 3/14/07 1:21 A.M.
From: robcheng_jiangsutianyin@yahoo.com
ATTN: Dr. Svetlana Petrokov,
You still do not get it. I am a very busy man coupled with the fact that I am always travelling out of the country to check on other branches all over the world. I will not be in the UK till a weeks time because I am leaving Bahamas for Singapore for an important meeting.
This was not part of what I asked you to do. You are becoming a real problem and I wonder if you have always been like this. All I wanted was a partner to help me set up a regional office in Russia and now you are giving me headache. Thus, I am sending a mail to the bank right away to send the company's funds back to its previous account.
Your appointment has been terminated and I do not want to hear from you again!
Sincerely,
Mr. Robert H. Cheng
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Subject: CAN’T YOU SEE I AM DYING???????
Date: 3/14/07 7:32 A.M.
From: SvetlanaPetrokov@gmail.com
Mr. Cheng,
How can you be so heartless? Do you have any idea how painful Thallium poisoning is? I have not experienced such horrible intestinal cramps since the Fentanyl poisoning I received at Vladimir Putin's last peace summit! And if that isn’t bad enough, I’m having a bad reaction to my wig tape and I think my stomach lining is beginning to slip into my colon.
PLEASE MR. CHENG, IF YOU HAVE ANY ORGAN RESEMBLING A HEART, YOU WILL COME TO THE STEPS OF THE NEWTON HOUSE AND SAVE ME! Otherwise, bury my body next to my dear husband at 32 Alexanderplatz next to Collective Farm 100038625986. At last, his lonely, rotting body will have company.
Good luck quelling your mobs of unruly revolutionaries Mr. Cheng. I hope you know you’ve made Chairman Mao very unhappy.
- Dr. Petrokov
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Subject: Do As I Have Instructed
Date: 3/15/07 2:43 A.M.
From: robcheng_jiangsutianyin@yahoo.com
ATTN: Dr. Svetlana Petrokov,
You have insulted my personality by saying "IF I HAVE ANY ORGAN RESEMBLING A HEART." Anyway, I can not come to London right now, not until I am done with my assignment. But I can help send you "A DOSE OF PRUSSIAN BLUE" to save the situation.
Thus, I will ask the delivery officer Mr. Kasper Gabriel of TNT Courier UK to deliver it to you as it is in the Headquaters in China. You have to send him $500.00 to enable him to get it to you in time.
I will try and see you in 5 days. Then I will give back the money you are sending him and probably get you a safe place where you can get your ass together.
Take care of yourself.
Mr. Robert H. Cheng
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Subject: Did You Say Blue Ponies?
Date: 3/15/07 6:02 A.M.
From: SvetlanaPetrokov@gmail.com
Mr. Cheng,
I think my feet have fallen off….I can’t seem to find them. The woman who sweeps the steps of the Newton House keeps trying to shoo me away and she insists she’s never heard of you. Why does she have three legs and no eyes? I asked if she knew Sergi from the Chernobyl plant, but she just keeps hitting me with her broom!
Please help me sir, I don’t’ feel so good. My ears are bleeding and my fingernails came off in a rainstorm. Tell Mr. Gabriel to meet me here with the antidote, I’ll give him everything I’ve got, including the secret compound.
Please hurry, I don’t think I can hold on much longer…..
S.
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Subject: GOODBYE FRIEND…
Date: 3/16/07 11:24 A.M.
From: SvetlanaPetrokov@gmail.com
Mr. Cheng,
I just gave Mr. Gabriel all of my money, but when I asked him about the Prussian Blue he just laughed and ran off. I was able to photograph him with my spy pen, but now I’m beginning to wonder if it was Mr. Gabriel at all. Does this agent of yours have spiked hair and a uniform advertising a “Sex Pistol”?
Not to worry, I’m afraid it is too late for me anyway. Boris is dead and my left bronchial chamber has just collapsed.
P.S. Please, do one thing for me. Call the Hotel Sovietski and make sure the chimps are ok. If they go too long without nourishment they’ll eat the wall paper and wheat paste just makes them jumpy.
Yours eternally,
The Late Svetlana Petrokov – Chemist, Patriot and Daughter of The Republic
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