________________________________________     Miss Spazski's 3rd Grade Class Presents....      Our Letters To Santa   ________________________________________     Jeffy “Boogers” Maloy   Um Santa, except for setting Kimmy’s hair on fire, I’ve been really, really good this year so please send me some airplane glue, a squirt gun that squirts real flames, a back pack, a can of polyurethane, five pounds of fertilizer, a gallon of hypergolic liquid, a bag of clean rags, some waterproof matches, a detonation switch and more pink pills.    Thanks Santa!   P.S.  Do you think Kimmy’s cat can fly?   - Boogers

Lo Tin “Ho Chi Minh” Wu  (Vietnamese pen pal)   Dear Mr. Santa please,   I would please like a one way plane ticket to U.S. of A.  I have receive guest lectureship at Harvard University in Bioengineering and must be there by Spring season.  Please, if I do not get plane ticket, I will be forced to grease body in eel paste and swim across the great Sea which teems with mighty musk leech.    Yours sincerely,   Professor Wu

Czerny Czersowtzowski   Dear Santa Sir,   For my family I would very much like a cow with generous bosom.  Also, please, my Mother would like a roll of the aluminum foil and for my Father a boot.  And my sister, just make sure her teeth grow back in her head straight this time. For me, the blade of the plow is enough!    God bless The State,   - Cz

Angel Crablake   Dear Santa,   I want some suckers, a kitty, a pink sweater and  Uncle Charlie’s magic mouse.  I promise to be good.   - Angel

William Joseph Whopner II   Attn. Clause, As per our conversation on November 12th, please deliver two fertile trotters and the gold-fringed insemination mitten to stall 3 at Churchill Downs.  If all goes as planned, I see big wins in your future – jingle jingle.  (Hint: Alphabet Soup may have a bum leg next season, but that’s just between us fellas, understood?)   In haste,   “The Whop”

Billy Lipman   Dear Santa,   Please help me.   - Billy

Myrna Wallenberg   Dear Santa Clause,   I would like a white powdered Christmas tree, a ham dinner, a book of coupons for the all you can eat Shrimptacular at Red Lobster, a Barbie bicycle with wheel sparklers, and a boyfriend named Shawn.  Please tell Mommy I don’t want to be a Jew anymore.  I don’t give a darn that dreidels are made out of clay - they’re stupid and Hanukkah yanks.  And tell Uncle Saul I’m not gonna go to Yeshiva.  I’m gonna eat mayonnaise sandwiches, color my hair yellow, and be a cheerleader for the wrestling team!    - Your girl Myrna

Varnus Wurmley   Santa, I want a hammer and a box of bunnies.   -Varnus

Peetie “The Fingers” Mackelby   Master Clause,   Allow me to mesmerize you with my magic fingers and these words of wonder - whodiddlywhodiddlywho.  Now you will follow my every command.  Listen up Clause, this Christmas, I want to be enveloped in a magical mist and transported across the room.   Then, from behind the ear of a young vixen, I wish a silver dollar to emerge – the shiny kind, worth roughly 50 cents.  Also, I would like a girl-sawing saw – cordless, with a 5-year warranty.  If you do not grant me these wishes, at the snap of my fingers and with more verbal wizardry, your beard will instantly turn into a herd of goats.       Remember my command Clause!  Thank you and good night.   - Mackelby The Magnificent              T’Shwilla Washington   I wanna badass Cutlass Supreme and some jiggy pants.  Word.    – Miss T.   *All photos were used without permission from Google Image.  To prevent further exploitation of children on the Internet, always use prophylactics during intercourse.                             ___________________________              Now for an American Sideshow Movie Exclusive...                     Dustin Grove's "Sandy Beaches"                         A classic comedy of miscommunication                              starring Sanjeev Patel (4 min.)