The American Sideshow - Warming Her Cockles Since 1954
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The American Sideshow Gift Catalogue
(Special Valentine's Day Edition) _____________________________
Don't know what to get your girl for Valentine's Day? Let American Sideshow guide you to the perfect gift. Voted "Best Online Value for Marital Aids" from Matron's Monthly, we offer only the finest romance products at a reasonable rate.
From the makers of "The Do-It-Youself Ransom Note" and "Hitler's Brain -A Limited Edition" comes a dizzying array of gifts that are sure to make her swoon. (Notice: Due to refrigeration needs, many gifts cannot be shipped to central Florida or Equatorial Congo.)
Selections From This Year's Catalogue
Endangered Alaskan Polar Bear #3593 ($900 plus shipping and handling)
Fact: all girls love furry things. Fact: all girls agree size matters. Fact: what girl doesn't thrill at the sight of a 1,000 pound quadropedal carnivore? For half the price of a Siberian Tiger you can have twice the fun with Daisy - a real live cuddly polar bear. Found starving to death on an ice flow on the balmy Bering Sea, Daisy comes complete with a walking harness and a complimentary bucket of seals. (Add $50 for safety waiver. May injest small children or exposed calves)
Oil Tanker Cruise On The Romantic Volga River #5876 ($400 per couple, steerage only)
Ride the beautiful "Volga Queen" down the river that made Ivan The Terrible famous. Ports of call include exotic Yaroslavl, Ulyanovsk, Saratov and Volograd (home of the "icy potato" and the Volograd Institute For The Deranged). Ticket price includes one daily meal, a mutton skin cap, and a tour of the Smolensk Oil Refinery.
5 Reasons Her Morbidly Large Breastplate Should Not Be Reconstructed #4487 ($49.95Presented in person on the right hand of Dr. Bob Blearson - Medical Consultant)
Who says her morbidly large breastplate "makes her look unseemly"? The price of elective surgery has skyrocketed and recent studies show girls with unusually large breastplates make better wives and mothers (as well as being able to inflate a wheelbarrow tire with a single breath). Let Dr. Blearson explain 5 reasons why she should avoid that costly knife and keep her breastplate large and lovely. (Disclaimer: Reason 5 may or may not include her ability to host a Shriners dinner on her cleavage.)
Dinner With The Shriners #2238 (Rate negotiable, fez required)
If anyone knows about love and romance it's the Shriners. Created in 1870 by a bunch of cone-hatted, oversexed Freemasons, the Shriners have been congregating for philanthropic endeavors and casual orgies ever since. Don't let all the fundraising and Fourth of July parades mislead you, having dinner with the Shriners will get her in the mood quicker than you can say, "Hey, does that 85-year-old guy in the tube-beanie have a dinner roll in his pants, or is he just glad to see us?"
36 Hours of Lurid Phone Sex #2259 (38 cents per minute, operator availability varies)
When's the last time your girl heard heavy breathing in her telephone earpiece? When was the last time she was told, "her love crevice is moist and clingy like sea moss on the great rock of Gibraltar"? Let Blanche, from The Louisville Loveline/Kentucky Operator Assistance, fill all of her auditory desires with this ample phone sex package. (Note: Blanche can approximate a male or female voice, depending on time of day and call duration. She is also available for 411 Nationwide.)
An Afternoon With British Rugby Commentators, Rupert and Ives #6978 (Rupert: 50 quid per hour, Ives: will work for food)
Not enough spice in the bedroom? Why not let Rupert and Ives rummy things up with their commentary on that ever-so-erotic sport -"Bedroom Rugby." Get a minute by minute account of your very own boudoir scrum including "drop kicks," "penalty kicks," "tackles," and "mauls." Making sure you're both "perpendicular to the touch line," Rupert and Ives will let you know if she's a "flanker" or a "tight five." (Knee pads, balls and hand pump not included.)
The Amazing Spaz-O-Matic Love Orb #9980 ($29.95)
This fully automated love orb is guaranteed to bring her to full spasm in no time. Made from only the finest titanium dioxide, the orb can be plugged in to any U.S. socket and recharged at her convenience. (Battery pack and traveling case are included at no additional cost. Warning: Excluding The Excit-O-Belt, Spaz-O-Matic products have been know to cause libidinal cancer in the state of California.)
A Spinal Realignment From Dr. T. and His Magic Hands #4587 ($59.95 per hour, $10 more for Magic Foot)
Known for his incredibly large hands, world renowned spinologist Dr. Timothy Tissle specializes in backbones, tailbones, and the female vaginal bone. With just one palm, Dr. T. has been known to bring the vigor back to many a lanquid lass, and all for the price of a gas-powered snow blower! (Note: Scheduling availibility is limited due to the doctor's compromised flexor carpi muscles.)
Office Space In Downtown Dubuque #2256 ($19 per square foot)
Nothing spells love like available office space. Don't let the broken water cooler and asbestos tile scare you, this office space if fully capable of housing your girl's new tax accounting business, poodle groomery, or money laundering front. Famous for it's sausages and tractors, Dubuque is also known as "the vacant office space capitol of North America." (Square footage does not include ceiling and some floors.)
Genuine Eternalux Tombstone #3357 ($115 two foot, $315 four foot)
Why beat around the bush - everyone needs a headstone and the Eternalux is made from premium grade Eterna concrete (made to withstand desicating organic material and windstorms up to 100 miles per hour). A perfect gift for the practical-minded girl or those raised in pre-war Ukraine. ($5 extra for holy light beams)
The American Sideshow Mystery Gift #4886 ($14.99)
Overwhelmed by all of our fantastic catalogue choices? Let American Sideshow choose your Valentine's Day gift this year. (Our 14x18 inch grab-box may include: a floor-length edible robe, a loaf of Austrian Strumphelnughet, random flowers, a perfumed Whif-O-Gram, a clutch of newborn hens, a sampling of rare linked Thuringers, a woolen charmeuse, a Venitian chest ruffle, a battery-operated cervical stimulator, or a pair of glassine boudoir mules.
Like what you see? Be sure to visit American Sideshow's Merchandise page and see what all the hub bub is about. (Note: American Sideshow's "Dual Charged Hub Bub" has been discontinued due to a leak in the hub's exterior.)
