Contemporary clowning isn’t all slap shoes, tiny cars and sweeping spots.  No sir, today’s clown act is a first class show, complete with top-notch costuming, fancy props and a surprisingly lucrative paycheck.  Let the Pahokee Regional Clown College show you the way to a new and exciting career in the clowning industry.  Conveniently located in the heart of eastern, south-central Florida, you can go from hoo ha to high jinx to down right hilarity in just two easy semesters.  Go ahead; unleash the inner clown in you!

Balloon Sculpting   101

This class explores the various twists and turns of every clowns favorite art form – balloonery.  Study the ancient art of transforming a little piece of rubber into something any child could love – like a purple squirrel or a lime-green dairy cow!  Learn the difference between the Lock Twist, the Loop Twist, the Pinch Twist, the Tulip Twist, the Toe Twist, the Hook Twist, the Pinch Pop, the Three-Quarter Bubble Double, and the Four-Foot- Long Gyrating Twanger.

Advanced Juggling   400

This advanced class goes way beyond the basics of simple ball juggling.  Here you’ll learn to gravitate bowling pins, flaming meat kabobs, hot cherry pies and live kittens, all while running loop-the-loops and figure eights with multiple clown partners and Mr.Kranky the orangutan.

Introduction To Costuming and Props 101

Can’t find clown pants to fit your girth?  Can’t find clown shoes to fit your bunions?  No problem – simply make your own!  This class offers the basics of sewing, darning and painting little glitter stars on your sneakers.  You’ll learn all about the history of clown couture and why cotton breathes better than polyester, especially when you’re “socks to silly hair” with sixteen other clowns in a phone booth.  This class will also cover the art of confetti tossing, setting your gigantic watch and getting your daisy to squirt straight.

From Clarabelle To Krusty: A History Of American Clowning   205

This course is once again offered by Professor Feelie, who for three consecutive years was voted “zaniest clown personality” by the Central Kansas Clown Commission.  This renowned historian and veteran Coco the Clown impersonator is famous for teaching his history classes while dressed in a glow-in-the-dark fright wig and floral fancypants.  This particular class explores the careers of such eminent modern clowns as Bob Keeshan’s Clarabelle, Emmett Kelly’s Hobo, Bob Bell’s Bozo, and Jackie Gleason’s long-forgotten Uncle Whacky.  (Next semester look for Professor Feelies brand new class entitled El Pollo Loco; and Other Famous Clowns of the Spanish Inquisition.) 

Learning To Clown With Animals   202

Getting thirty-six Pekinese to jump through a flaming hoop may look easy, but few consider the time, patience and skill this feat requires.  This class will teach you to train just about every animal the circus employs (excluding the river otters, which belong exclusively to Mr. Nick’s Amazing Otter Experience).  The course work also includes how to properly hose down an elephant and what to do with a pack of ornery spider monkeys.  (Every student is loaned one stunt animal and is responsible for its care and upkeep.  Replacement animals are available for a fee.)

Clown Safety   350

This required course will help you avoid such clown-related calamites as tiny car injuries, poodle bites and the dreaded “cream pie ear.”  Don’t start off your clown career with humiliating bumps and bruises.  Let Crazy Ted show you how to effectively deal with rowdy circus groupies and how to safely shoot seltzer without incurring any lawsuits or enraging any tigers.
 

Clown Phobia and the Media   501

This advanced class delves into the psychology of clown fear and why the vast majority of people seem to suffer from it.  Could it be because John Wayne Gacy, Joseph Goebbels and J. Edgar Hoover were all known to have dabbled in clownery in their off hours?  Or is it simply another example of the media exaggerating a few isolated cases for ratings?  This informative class will help you see the difference between schizoid psychosis and good old-fashioned “knock ‘em in the aisles” clownery.

Marketing Yourself   450

Here you will be taught how to book and promote yourself without breaking the bank.  Goofy headshots and crazy, rainbow-colored business cards are just the beginning.  There are innumerable ways to jump-start your clowning career, and standing at the entryway of a supermarket on two-for-one day is just one of them!  Also included will be a tutorial on mastering the bris, the backyard barbecue, and even the wake!   

The Clown Code of Ethics   (elective)

This is a three-hour lecture on a clown’s responsibility to his craft.  Various points include: 1. Sticking to the prescribed material 2. Keeping acts clean for children and religious types 3. Making fun of oneself, not audience members 4. Not performing under the influence of illicit drugs or alcohol 
5. Remembering the difference between good and bad touching.  6. Doing absolutely as many performances for your employer as possible without complaint or demand of wage increase 7. Being wacky  
_____________________________________________________________

Pahokee Regional Clown Instructors and Their Credentials

Huffy:   Twenty-five years experience with Ringling Bros. as personal assistant and wig wrangler to Crackers the Clown and Mr. Jiggles.

Cornball:   Choreographer of the International Kiwanis Tricycle Triad held each year in downtown Des Moines.  Also studied magic, girl-sawing and slight of hand with The Great Verbinski.

Squeakers:   (Formerly Checkers, Cheeky, Mr. Fizz Woo, Uncle Thud and Slipshod the Clown.)  Squeakers has spent the past two years teaching ha ha’s and high dudgeon to the patients at the South Florida Psych Clinic, where he himself was a former resident.

Professor Feelie:   Received his PhD in history at Fruitville Community College where he published his dissertation on the persecution of clowns in Cold War Russia.  Also patented Botch-Ease, a salve that relieves the often painful and ever-too common “rubber nose rash.”

Scratchy:   Worked ten years with the Gonzales Bros. Circus where he invented and performed the Quadropedial Que Pasa Confetti Toss and the controversial Triple Chihuahua Tiger Knaw.

Crazy Ted*:   Former fireman and circus clown extraordinaire, Crazy Ted has been donning the greasepaint and stopping and starting fires for well over twenty years.  (*Not to be confused with former trampoline instructor Crazy Ned, who is currently residing at the Immokalee Correctional Institution pending appeal.)

Candypants:   Has spent the past twelve years clowning around at the Pahokee Petting Zoo combing the goats and handing out balloons.
____________________________________________________________

Clown Related Vendors

Below are some notable retailers who specialize in clown and circus gear.  (All offer 10% discounts to Pahokee graduates, funny-money not accepted!) 

Czerbinski! – Shoemaker To The Clowns
Stocks most makes and models, including Flopshots, Rink E. Dinks, Bigfeetz, Flippydoos, and waterproof Mr. Sillys.

Kandy Korn’s Klown Kloset
 Sells large volumes of third arms, trick hats, rubber bald spots and lead-free greasepaint.  Is best known for supplying Phyllis Diller’s eyebrows.

The Giggle Factory
 Offers the largest variety of glitter in the country.  Also sells sequins and many, many more assorted shiny objects.

The Cleveland Clown Emporium
 Boasts 3,000 sq. feet of clown-selling fun.  This vendor is known to have one of the most impressive bins of rubber ears in the state.  Also a good bet for discount clown socks, which are advertised in their catalogue as “quite a bit funnier that regular socks.