Published in Haypenny 2003
Query Letters
by Diana Grove
Dear Sponge Bath Quarterly,
We all know that neglecting to fully dry a patient after a sponge bath can cause a wide variety of nasty skin irritations The following article entitled “The Subtle Art Of Cranny Swabbing; Or, How To Dab A Pit In Under 6 Seconds” explains the importance of the drying off procedure that is so crucial to all successful sponge baths, whether professional or amateur. Please consider this instructive (and fully illustrated) article for your publication.
Thank you for your consideration,
Diana Grove
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Dear Ms. Grove,
We received your article and feel obliged to tell you that neither “whacking at the patient with an old towel” or “leaving the ol’ man in front of a large fan” is appropriate or humane treatment for the sick or elderly. What’s more, your use of the words “spongeaceous” and “spongeatarious” we feel are, quite frankly, made up. Sponge Bath Quarterly is a serious publication and we do not find references to “clingy toe cheese” or “butt sludge” the least bit amusing. We also do not publish crude drawings of stick figures or turkeys traced from a hand. So please, in the future, don’t waste our time. We have patients to bathe in the proper manner, not by “sluicing them down out back with a rubber hose pipe”!
In earnest,
Marjorie Stern-Pierce, Co-Editor
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Dear American Dairyman,
Please consider the enclosed poems for publication: “Ode To A Languid Guernsey, A Little Moo Will Do,” and “Hey…Is That Another Stomach?”
Please disregard the previous poem I sent entitled “Tred Gently On Thine Frigid Hummock, Sweet Bovine.” I’m afraid it was a bit premature in its conception, not to mention the fact that I couldn’t find anything that rhymed with the word “chilblain.”
I am a great admirer of your magazine and cows in general and I’m currently working on a love story entitled “Bessie and Lonesome Dave; A Romance Against All Odds,” which I hope to send off to you very soon.
Warm regards and thanks for your consideration,
Diana Grove
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Dear Ms. Grove,
American Dairyman does not, nor has it ever, published poems, romances, free-form literature or fictional accounts of any kind. We are strictly a technical periodical concerning the breeding, health and profitability of dairy cattle. Please consider this in the future. However, we did like the part in “Bessie and Lonesome Dave” where Bessie saves the day by trampling “One-Eyed Bob” with “her mighty, dung-caked hooves” thus preventing the robbery of The First National Bank of Little Prairie.
Sincerely,
Elmer Macintosh, Assistant Editor
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Dear Nutfancier,
Do you go out of your mind when your grocer runs out of Brazilian filberts? Have you driven 30 miles out of your way just to hunt down the elusive Wiki Waki Macadamia nut? Do you dream about Turkish pistachios even though they turn your fingers a lurid pink? If you answered yes to any of these questions (or even if you just nodded in agreement) you should by all means read and consider for publication “My Life As A Nut Addict: The Diana Grove Story.”
I have battled nut addiction all my life, and believe me, it’s not a pretty picture. Walnut shells, peanut skins and empty pecan tins littered my playpen and my diapers bulged with hot boiled peanuts. Sure, we all love nuts, but my God, we must learn to enjoy them in moderation. It is my greatest wish to share this story of addiction with your readers. So won’t you please read on and consider this article for your next issue?
Very sincerely,
Diana Grove
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Dear Ms. Grove,
Your story truly is a sad one, I mean stealing your Grandmother’s television set just so you could buy a bag of smoked almonds? It’s both pitiful and shocking. Unfortunately, we recently ran an article by Clyde Pitkins entitled “Almond Joy, or The Devil’s Own Private Hell Fire?” which was very similar in content to your submission.
But keep up the good work, and remember, Spanish peanuts are meant to be eaten delicately, one by one, not ground up into a fine paste and forced down one’s throat like a gorging pelican.
With care and concern,
Clara Montgomery – Nutfancier President (and admitted filbert freak)
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The Lutheran Libertine,
Let me begin by saying it is one of my greatest pleasures to be a Midwestern Lutheran. Just thinking about the potlucks, the quilt rallies, the spaghetti socials and the annual Ham Jam puts a smile on my face. But, consider yourself warned, there are strange goings on right in your own parish. That is why I feel the need to share my recent article entitled: “Coupons In The Collection Plate and Other Un-Holy Escapades.”
Sure, we’ve all tried to make change in the collection plate during Sunday service, and I’ve even tried to unload some Canadian coins now and then, but depositing outdated Kwikmart coupons? Unheard of! Or is it?
Just when you thought the Methodists were having all the fun, in my new article you’ll read about good, God-fearing Lutherans who have shunned the Lord’s way. These folks have dabbled in secret, after-church thermal parties, 3-bean casserole orgies, and Bible tossing contests.
So don’t delay, read on and learn the truth about the seedy underbelly of today’s Lutheran church. And, just for good measure, I’ve included a few bills to help out with the new parsonage.
Yours most sincerely,
Diana Grove
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Dear Mrs. Grove,
Our Board of Directors is reviewing your article. With more funds in either cash, check, or money order, our organization would consider a possible publication in the future. Continue God’s work and may the Lord bless you,
Pastor Goodfinger – Editor in Chief
