Published in Sweet Fancy Moses 2001

 

                                  STRANGE BEDFELLOWS

                                          by Diana Grove

      Sex can be a strange, not to mention sticky, activity for many of us. The last thing we need is the government sneaking into our bedroom and ruining the mood by telling us it's illegal to perform cunnilingus on a pan of brownies while wearing a wet suit. However, many world governments feel much differently. Particularly the Middle Eastern ones who find sweets overly indulgent and wet suits impractical in a sand storm.
      Following is a list of some rather sensational sexual doctrines from around the globe. You decide which are true and which are just too outrageous for written law.

1. In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but only if the animals are female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor is prohibited from looking directly at a woman's genitals during an examination; he may only see their reflection cast in a mirror.

3. In Dubai, it is illegal to perform sex on a stack of gold; it is however, legal to shave a camel in public, weather permitting.

4. Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. Therefore, undertakers must cover the sex organs of the deceased with a brick or a piece of wood.

5. In Iraq it is illegal to have sexual relations with a one-armed woman carrying a candlestick. It is also illegal to have sexual relations with a two-armed woman who is known to have hopped about in the marketplace, juggling dates.

6. In Cali, Colombia, on a woman's wedding night, her mother must be present to witness her daughter's first sexual act. She may bring popcorn if desired.

7. The penalty for a woman showing her ankles on the Gulf of Tonkin is either death or the prohibition of mango consumption, depending on the judge's astrological sign.

8. Under Guam law, it is forbidden for virgins to marry. Therefore, there are men whose specific job is to travel the countryside, deflowering young virgins for a fee.

9. In Bangkok it is legal for a woman to have sexual relations with a python, but only if the snake is deemed "of sound mind and pure heart" by local officials.

10. In Texas, with parental consent, a 12-year-old girl can marry if her relatives sign a legal statement banning celebratory gunfire in the chapel.

11. Topless saleswomen are illegal in Liverpool, England--except in tropical fish stores.

12. In Syria it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and a goat simultaneously, unless the goat is tethered to a wooden stool and properly groomed.

Laws that are, believe it or not, true: 1, 2, 4, 6, 8, 9, and 12.
(well...I’m just kidding about 12. But hey, goats need love too.)
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