Published in Opium Magazine 2003
The Warmelle 3000
by Diana Grove
The Warmelle 3000 is everything I always wanted in a heating pad. I bought it to replace my old Sunbeam Heatronix, which, although a quality product, ended up setting the bed on fire…twice.
And it’s not such a problem that the bed now contains a large, black hole (mostly because the Heatronix only had three settings: warm, warmer, and limb melting). It’s also because it didn’t have a level 5.
You see, Phil from the appliance store told me all the best heating pads have a level 5…that and a stainless steel triple prong. He said if the Heatronix had the triple prong, “the bed, the rug and the cat wouldn’t have gone up in blazes for God’s sake.” Phil knows a lot. He has a mole on his cheek, just like President Lincoln.
But I didn’t buy the Warmelle 3000 right off the bat. In fact, I was originally going to buy the new Sunbeam Heaterator (which is really just the old Heatronix with a pink box and a longer cord). Phil said it would be fine for someone who “didn’t care about quality or forging ahead in life and going the extra mile.” I told Phil that I can go the extra mile just as well as anybody and I wasn’t that serious about the Heaterator anyway, I was really just roped in by the pretty packaging. Phil said all the pretty packaging in the world wouldn’t get my cats eyebrows back.
He had a point. He also had hair like frozen spinach, but that’s nature for you. See, Phil says the Warmelle 3000” isn’t just a cure for bursitis, or a sore back, or cold feet, it’s a cure for all of life’s ills.” I guess that’s why he has one strapped to his torso at all times. In fact, he said as long as he’s within 3 feet of an electrical outlet, life is “smooth sailing.” My life has been smooth sailing too ever since the cat stopped coughing up burned fur.
But here’s something you may not know about the Warmelle 3000. Not only does it totally improve the quality of life, it also has a non chafing rayon coverlet that repels substances like Campbell’s soup and unformed Jell-O. You know what else? It can also be used as a sort of square-shaped, heat retaining hat. At least that’s what Phil says. He says in this day and age, “Only an idiot would wear a non heating pad hat.” Phil also says the toasters talk to him after business hours. Sometimes I wonder about Phil…he’s got a scar.
When I asked him about it though, he just changed the subject. He said, “forget about the scar, the Warmelle 3000 is the best friend I’ve ever had. No more uncontrollable shaking, no more upset stomachs and no more voices in the night.” I have to admit, ever since I purchased the product, I’ve been amazed at how soft and flexible my knees have become. I haven’t had any joint pain or sore bunions – and I haven’t even tried level 5 yet.
Phil says I need to be careful with level 5. Level 5 is only for very special occasions. When I asked him what a special occasion might be, he got all floopy and stormed off to the blender section. It took him 20 minutes to get back on his feet and stop hugging one of the Waring Egg Whippers.
Here’s what I’ve learned: never joke with an independent appliance salesman. They’re not about funny, they’re about results. I guess that’s why Phil stands so firmly behind the Warmelle 3000. He says, “it gets the job done, then keeps you company until the real pain begins.” If you think about it, this may explain the twitch.
But Phil’s a good sort. He promised me a special demonstration of his double action can opener from Oster if I come back next Thursday. He says it has “an override switch which is perfect for opening cat food in damp situations.” This time I didn’t ask any foolish questions, I told him to set the best one aside for me.
